Sorry I'm So Post-Happy

I just had to share this.

There are no words.

I'll try to give him the benefit of the doubt

I feel like I try not to use words like "idiot" to describe people,

And I know that everyone has their moments,

But sometimes...

*Sigh* I just don't want this man to run our country.

Good thing he probably won't be.

Feeling Complete

I've been thinking a lot about friends lately. I know you're not supposed to hang around with people who bring you down, but I also don't think it's possible to only associate with people who constantly lift you up. Today, I was walking with this guy that I once kind of liked, but it faded fast. Usually after he and I are done talking, I end up thinking either "Why did I say that?" or "Why didn't I say this?" But today, after he left I just thought, "When I'm around him I don't act like the person I want to be. I'm okay with not being that close with him." I don't think I really agree with the idea that I can "not be myself" around people (obviously I'm just being the version of myself that comes out during a specific situation), but I do think I've finally caught on to the idea of surrounding yourself with the right people, the kind that will make you act like the person you want to be.

Then I was looking at videos of my new favorite show, Psych. 

This one reminded me of some other people I know who record music, not really for the artistic quality of it, but to make people (including themselves) smile, and in the process help each other do [good] things they probably wouldn't if they were on their own. (Also, they both say piano differently, kind of like we can't make the words "angel" and "angel" rhyme...)

A Gambian Legend

"The joking relations between the patronymic lineages of Fofanna and Jaiteh are said to have begun when their ancestors were traveling on a long journey without food. The student (talibe) Fofanna went into the bush and cut some meat from his leg and roasted it so that his teacher could eat. The teacher (karamo), Jaiteh ate it without realizing that it was from his student's body. They continued traveling, but Fofanna was bleeding and he became very weak. Jaiteh asked why he was so weak and Fofanna showed him his leg. Jaiteh healed the wound by laying his hands on it and praying. They then made an oath that their descendants would always support each other and never quarrel under the threat of misfortune"

-"Special Affinities and Conflict Resolution: West African Social Institutions and Mediation"

I would like to think that I care this much about people. Or even that I will one day care this much about people. Hopefully it will be in other ways that I am called upon for help and support, because this just does not sound like something I could ever do.

AlSO: This name generator, supposedly the same one the Donald Glover from Community used while finding his stage name (I checked, and it really does come up with Childish Gambino when you use his name) entertains me a lot more than it should. My real name is "Spunky Misunderstood Genius." Find yours today.

Just A Snippet

from my book about families:

"There are no individuals--only fragments of families."

-Carl Whitaker

Also, just in case we ever feel like we talk to each other too much about ourselves: 

"Some of the most important talk occurs when no one is working at communication. Open-ended, rambling conversations can reveal important information."

-My book

And one more, just for fun:

"I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat, or a prostitute."

-Rebecca West

Messin' With My Mind

I've had a epiphany. It's not really that important. But it came after watching this clip:

(I say I'm a 30 Rock purist and only like the first two seasons, but really I have seen quite a bit of the rest. I don't love some of it. This part was kind of funny though.)

This continued throughout the episode, with only Liz not knowing about all these Leap Day traditions, including a movie "Leap Dave Williams" in which Jim Carey plays a lawyer named Dave Williams who becomes Leap Day William...and on and on. At first, I thought, "Wait, are these real traditions I just don't know about?" I actually Googled it to make sure. I know that I knew the whole time it was all fake, but the uncertainty I felt was...off-putting. I don't know why, it was just supposed to be funny.

Then I thought "What if in the future or a parallel universe the media constantly portrayed the world totally different than it really is, and so that became how everyone saw the world, even though it was untrue?"

And then I thought, "What if they already do this?"

You know how we all talk to different people differently? Like you wouldn't text one of your friends the same way you would text a parent? Well, today I was writing in a journal and I realized, "This is how I talk to me." I don't know yet why I find this so intriguing.

I Like You

"If you go away then I go away too

Or if I stay home 

You send me a postcard

You don't just say

Well see you around

Some time

Bye

I like you because of that."

This little book you gave me is one of those things that no matter how many times you revisit it, something new jumps out at you, and today it was this page. Thank you, my friend, for not just saying "Well see you around some time."

Most Repeated Song of the Day

Do you think it's too much to hope that they will play every one of their songs, past and present, at the show? I can maybe live without hearing "Your Algebra."
Maybe.
I'm willing to stand there for hours.

True That

I like New Girl. It's kind of dirty and honestly not the absolute funniest show I've ever seen, but the humorous elements it does have combined with the girl-crush* I have on Zooey Deschanel means that I watch it. Last week I saw an episode where Nick, the main guy, the sad bartender, said this quote that resonated with me. I was planning on sharing earlier but I forgot and then for some reason remembered. Modified for context (mainly gender) it goes:

"I'm not good at being a girlfriend. I'm good at being that girl you hang out with until you find a girlfriend."

I think a lot of normal people who can't rely totally on stunning good looks to dazzle their way into a relationship would agree with this statement. I'm not actively looking for the label of "girlfriend," (at least, that's what I tell myself), but I did want to give an "Amen!" to the man with the turtle face:

*Girl crush (n): A feeling of deep admiration and adoration a girl has for another girl. The girl with the girl crush usually doesn't want to date the other girl, but wants to be exactly like them in every way and wants to be their best friend. From urbandictionary.com. I'm pretty sure you know what a girl crush is, but I just wanted to make everything perfectly clear.

Just Me

I have been waiting a while to do this, partly because I didn't think I had enough material yet and partly because I didn't want to copy you. But then I realized (respectively) that I should probably get all these ideas down before I forget them and that imitation is one of the most sincere forms of flattery, right? So anyway, here are some things that I've learned about myself that might help both of us understand me better.

• I am usually right on time to everything, not early and not late. I am constantly surprised when I walk into something right as the minute turns to the time I was supposed to be there.
• I like being in charge, but I usually wait for other people to put me in charge.
• In general, I have a hard time motivating myself to do something. Once I start, I put everything I've got into it, it's just getting into it that I struggle with.
• I can't hold grudges against people, and when I make it seem like I am, it's probably just because I miss them.
• My biggest fear is that something will happen to someone I love and I won't be able to stop it.
• I have never understood crude humor.
• My complacency with my unsocialness bothers me. (This statement probably only makes sense to me)
• I feel like the greatest thing I can do in this life is make a family that wants to be around each other always and that terrifies me sometimes, but inspires me other times.
• I think I've wanted to major in everything (yesterday it was electrical engineering).
• People I hang around with up at the university think it's funny to get a reaction out of me by talking about my future relationships with men, and they don't know that I understand exactly what they're up to.
• I've been told that I have a sad/mad-looking face. Sometimes I remember this and try to look like I have a little smile, but then I feel like a dork and stop.
• I know I wouldn't have made it this far in life if there wasn't someone up there looking out for me. 
• The only things I can consider as my "type" of guy would be someone taller than me and someone with a personality compatible to mine. I've never really narrowed it down to any physical traits I don't think.
• I kind of wish I would have never kissed anyone before.
• I learn things very quickly.
• I take doodling very seriously. Like, I'm not even kidding.
• I am a perfectionist; I also think I'm slightly OCD.
• I love photographs: taking them, being in them, looking at them. 
• I feel weird saying my own name. I don't know why.
• I want to get really good at ping pong some time soon.

Now, I feel like I'm just rambling, but it definitely feels good to get this all down on...the computer screen. Thank you for reading.

It's The Little Things

I really am so easy to please.

I wonder if I will continue to be like this throughout my whole life, or if I will grow out of it. Maybe someday the sum of little moments of happiness will not be enough to sustain me, and I will need something bigger. Or maybe the fact that such small things make me happy mean that I have figured out a secret of life.

Either way, I think I will just decide to continue to find happiness in the feeling of finishing a homework assignment, a funny coincidence, a concert ticket, a movie, a good conversation, a really good dessert, a song, a text, and a good night's sleep, because I doubt any bolt of happiness lighting is just going to come strike me with awesomeness. Not anytime soon, at least.

Oh, p.s., add the movie "Babies" to the list if you haven't seen it. The song from the preview just came up on Pandora, and I remembered that this movie is something that makes me very, very happy.

This May Not Interest You

I just think it is amazing.

I will try to restrain myself from posting about Bon Iver in the future.



Another thing I've been thinking about: I was listening to a song that said "Folks don't change, they just reveal." I wonder how true this is.

Ironic

So, to sum it all, what I've learned in college is that I really don't know much.

I Like That They Do This.

http://sslyby.bigcartel.com/product/personalized-sslyby-song

It's the band Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, if that was unclear.

Yes, Ted Cohen, I Agree with This Idea

Here is just an excerpt from a reading I did for my humor class. It's not funny, so sorry if that's a letdown. I just liked it.

"Why do we recommend things to one another, anyway? Why point out the huge, bright, new moon, the funny stuff happening on King of the Hill on television (calling me into the room to watch it with you), the gritty beauty of the waterfront in Gdansk? Why draw one another's attention to all that stuff? Because we wish one another well? Well, maybe, but at its core I do not think this is entirely a matter of altruism. I think it is a wish, a need, a longing to share these things, to feel them together. And it is not quite enough to explain this to say that we are, after all, communal creatures, although I suppose we are. The other component in the explanation is the fact that I need reassurance that this something inside me, the something that is tickled by a joke, is indeed something that constitutes an element of my humanity. I discover something of what it is to be a human being by finding this thing in me, and then having it echoed in you, another human being. "

In Honor Of Valentine's Day

I tried to find this really good part of one of my favorite movies, 500 Days of Summer... but I could only find the ending of it. And it's really crappy quality. So sorry. But you get the idea.

Here's to hoping everyone can find someone real.

Dresses for a Wedding

Here are some dresses I could see you getting married in (with some modifications, of course)

Not so much this one, it just popped up when I was looking and made me laugh a little.

This one, right here. This is the one I could see you in, sunglasses and all.

And here is where I will be a little self-consumed and tell you what I might like, since we're on the subject.

Favorite. I really can't believe how much I love this one. 

As you can see, I'm all over the place.

Atta Kid

also:

Looking Up

     I just realized that I usually only blog about my feelings when they are bad feelings, so this is me talking about a good day. 

     I've come to realize that I am doing alright. By that I mean this: A lot of the time I beat myself up about not trying hard enough to truly be a better person. I don't think that I'm the best friend I could be. I don't work out a lot or eat the right food. I procrastinate. I avoid problems more than I should.  I don't smile enough. I'm not an extrovert. But today, I just really feel like I'm going to be okay. I realize this might have sounded like a big downer on myself, but I am truly relieved; I can fix everything I don't like, and the stuff I can't fix isn't that big of a deal, or I WOULD be able to fix it. Personally, any day that I learn something new about myself is a good day :]

The Worst Part About Telling Myself I Don't Care

...is not even that it's a lie. It's that I have to keep lying, almost constantly.

A "Why didn't I think of that?" moment

One of the best ideas I've come across lately

Photos compiled by Irina Werning. 

She has an entire website, but I will warn you that some adults try to copy their baby pictures exactly, right down to the nudity that was acceptable in the first picture.

Here Is A Random Thing I Found

How is it that there is so much to randomly find on the internet? And further, sometimes I really wonder how I randomly find it. But here is a list that generated a wide range of emotions from me. Number 24 genuinely made me sick. Number 18 I would like to think wouldn't be such a big deal but I think I may actually have a problem with. Number 22, I just really, really want to participate in. Numbers 5 and 4 I kind of want to try, just for the experience. Number 16 would honestly make me a little nervous, and Numbers 21, 17, 11, and 9 are just downright cool.

I try not to spend too much time on things like this.

Sometimes, it just happens.

They Found Love in a Hopeless Place

Favorite On-Screen Couples*

Can I just say how happy I am that they used a picture of the most awkward moment in this relationship?

"These are the couples that made me believe in love... Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley! This couple found each other late in the series but even with all their other relationships you just knew there was something between them ever since they met at King Crossing Train station."

*Please follow this link so that you don't take these words as my own.

Se Llama

These are names that I would like to give to someone some day (I'm not sure who else besides future children I would give them to, but I also don't think that I want to have enough children to be able to use all of these):
Jack, Rosie, Ben, Owen, Noah, Eden, Charlie, Will, Liam, October (Toby for short), Joselyn (Josie for short), Emma, Ella, Charlie, Gwen, Jonas, Noah, Oakley

Going Back To Three Separate Conversations We've Had

We were talking about concerts, and I believe I said something to the effect of "there's no one coming that I can't live without." Well, scratch that. There is no way I'm not going to to this show:

If you wish to join me, you are more than welcome to. Its kind of pricey, so I understand if you don't want to, especially since I don't know how into these bands you are in the first place. For me its something of a dream come true.

This song further makes me want to have sons. Not like right now, just in general. They seem like a good option gender-wise.

Who Am I?

Not Jean Valjean. Or 24601 (I'm sorry, I couldn't resist). I just got the sudden urge to break down my person into a list, I like making lists. Also I want to see who I really think that I am. Here goes.

• I eat ice cream by the pint.
• I absolutely adore the sun, and am at my true happiest when I'm out in the beauty of the earth.
• I like the color yellow.
• I have both loved and hated virtually every part of my body at some point in my life, and I'm working on sticking with the love.
• I am unbelievably overwhelmed when I think about all that I want to do in my life and all that may and will happen. Most of the time I deal with this by not thinking about it.
• I have a radio constantly playing in my head. Sometimes it comes out of my mouth.
• I think things I wish I didn't an incredible amount more than I should, but I can't seem to help it sometimes.
• I really wonder where I would be if I didn't have my religion. I know for a fact that I would dress differently and probably use some words that I don't now, and also my media consumption would be different (something I probably should work on, actually). There are a lot of things that I really don't know if they are just how I naturally am, or because of the values I was raised with. I guess it's the age old question of nature vs. nurture.
• There are things that I love that are really important to me, like my dog and playing the piano, but for some reason I spend more time on things I don't really care as much about than I do with those things.
• I try to pretend that I don't desperately want some things.
• I really want to try out a pixie cut, but I'm too scared and low-maintenance.
• If I did cut my hair, in a very short time I would be able to pass for a Hobbit. I would secretly not have a problem with that.
• When I see curly-haired men, I think, "We would have very curly haired children." I don't know why. A vast majority of the time I do not want to have children with them.
• I hate the reasons that I dislike people.
• Some songs make me think of certain people, people really close to me and people I barely know. Sometimes it's for good reason and sometimes it's for no reason at all really. I feel like I'm stalking them when I listen and think of them.
• I just want my family to be together all of the time.
• Sometime I think I want something dramatic to happen, until I realize that is stupid.
• I have had such a good life that I'm afraid something really bad is going to happen soon.
• When I love something, I want other people to love it too, Like movies. I just want to watch movies and talk about movies all day long.
• I hate that something another person does, or even what I think they think, can have such a strong influence on me and how happy I feel.
• I try to try really hard. When I don't, I feel like I'm wasting so much.
• Sometimes I wish I could just alternately sleep on the beach and shower for the rest of my life.
• I never read books anymore. I truly miss that.
• Sometimes I do or say something. And I realize that i'm being manipulative. And I still do it.
• I don't know how to act in a lot of situations. I really feel very inexperienced at life.
• I'm really afraid of not living my life to the fullest. I feel like there is too much to think about all the time, and that I will forget to live while I'm trying to get everything done that I need to.
• I will probably be making another list like this soon, when I discover more things. Also it's fairly late and there may be things I've forgotten. Lucky you.

To Write Love on Her Arms

     "She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.
     As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: 'The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope.'

     

     We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
     I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember."

The Full Story

Life Imitates Art

Sometimes I feel like I am not getting the maximum knowledge I could out of my school readings. Especially when they look like this:

"Abstract hypothesis H5 was tested in the comparison between the pro-student professors and pro-professor students’ experimental groups and its concrete derivation predicted +SP: +PS, as discussed earlier. This concrete hypothesis predicted 14 of 20 jokes correctly (0-10 >p>0.05). The two concrete hypothesis derived from abstract hypothesis H6 are +SS: +SP (17 jokes correctly predicted blah blah blah blah."

I feel like this kid right here:

Cruising

Today, my friend told me that her parents went on a cruise and met a very interesting old lady (when I say interesting, I really mean interesting, not like when someone's weird and you call them "interesting"). They noticed that all the workers on the ship seemed to know her very well and she was waited on at all times. So finally they asked if she owned the ship or something. She told them no, that her kids had wanted to send her to a nursing home, but she calculated that it was cheaper to go on a cruise every day. This makes me sad, but happy at the same time.

Little kids keep inspiring me. Like the story of this girl

and also this little guy

Someday, I'll figure out a way to change the world (even though it looks like I'm a couple years late).

Words of Wisdom

Donald Glover, a.k.a. Troy Barnes, co-star of one of the best shows ever made, Community, has brought us many words of wisdom throughout the years. Gems of knowledge, really, including:

"Some things are more connected than others, like tarantulas and me peeing myself."

"The only difference between Senor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Senor Chang is."

"A monkey is an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?"

And so much more. One thing in particular that he taught me is illustrated by this picture:

If we just take the bad things that happen in life and remember "Later, this will be a story," then I think that nothing will ever seem quite so bad. Thank you, Childish Gambino (whatever that means).

The Birds

So I came home today, and my family kept talking about "The Birds," saying things like "Maybe

they will be gone today" and "No, they always come at night. Just wait. They will be here." I thought maybe it was some birds that hang out right by the window and are really loud or something.

Oh no.

I am literally living in the movie "The Birds" right now:

I even opened the door when a neighbor came over, and the first thing he said was "it looks like you've got an Alfred Hitchcock situation going on."

At least they haven't killed anyone. Yet. That we know of.

I Really Found This on the Internet

Men's Hair Trends

"Men’s hair color has become a trend like what most women do. The trends vary very fast like the changing of seasons. As stereotypical in the past, rock stars, actors, clowns, gays and only the adventuresome type result to hair color. But as the time and trends become versatile, the hair color ideas become suitable for all men."

I hope that you understand why I find this a lot more funny than probably most people do.

Conspiracy Theories With Really No Point

Have you ever randomly thought of something that you've heard or that happened long, long ago, for no apparent reason? I'm sure you have since I do it quite a bit. This happened to me the other day. I remembered something that my sister told me probably around seven years ago; it was sometime when my oldest sister was in college so its been a while. I decided to finally look into it when it appeared in my brain (very late, I'm sure the rest of the world is over it by now).

I don't know if you've heard about the whole "Pink Floyd/Wizard of Oz" thing, and if you have, I really apologize, but if you start the "Dark Side of the Moon" album by Pink Floyd right when the MGM lion stops roaring at the beginning of the movie, and listen to it all the way through, it kind of turns into a giant music video. There are many times when the lyrics match up, and when the music matches perfectly with the actions on screen, and judging by all that came up when I Googled this to try and find it, there is a lot more that I didn't even catch. I don't know if that was planned, or who discovered it (there is apparently a lot of controversy surrounding the whole thing), but it was something that made me think "Oh, that cool. And weird."

Did I watch the entire 45 minutes of it at around one in the morning? Yes. Was it worth it? That's debatable. I guess at least I can say I've done it. Cross that off the bucket list.

Tell Me.

Life would be a lot easier if we expressed our feelings in this way.

It Is Possible to Laugh and Cry Simultaneously

I honestly could've copied and pasted the entire first paragraph of your last post.

Today, I found some old videos on my phone.

 I don't know why, but I can't even see my keyboard clearly right now through my tears.

I think it's safe to say that I wish this girl came to college with me.

Thoughts I Haven't Thought in a While

I really wasn't expecting this to come out.

But here I am, taking each random chunk of time I have out of my increasingly busy schedule, writing about it. I told myself "no blogging, you have too much to do," but I wanted to get this down and I guess going to bed a little later won't hurt.

On the shuttle this morning, the song "Airplanes" by Local Natives came on my iPod, and I surprised myself by started to get choked up.

I hadn't listened to it in a while, but it is important to me because it reminds me so much of my grandpa, my dad's dad. I remember one day I was listening to it and all of the sudden I heard what the lyrics were actually saying. The first line says "The desk where you sit inside of a frame made of wood," and I was sitting at a desk on which a picture of my grandfather sits inside of a frame made of wood. I more intently than ever before listened to the rest of the lyrics, which go on to say:

"I keep those chopsticks you had from when you taught abroad in Japan

I did not know you as well as my father knew you

Every question you took the time to sit and look it up in the encyclopedia

It sounds like we would have had a great deal to say to each other

I bet when I leave my body for the sky the wait will be worth it

I love it all

So much I call

I want you back"

It works better when you have all the words and the music together. Obviously I know best the relationship we had, and I won't take the time to go through how everything connects, but the song just seemed to fit so well that now I can't listen to it without thinking about him. I feel like I've never really said or written much about the deaths of my grandpas, which happened during my junior and then senior years of high school, and I think I need to get some things out. I apologize, because this may be long and jumbled and very personal, but this is kind of my journal. I hope I am remembering everything right.

The fall of my junior year, both of my grandpas were in the hospital. My mom's dad had a second stroke and, to be honest, I can't even remember why my dad's dad was there. But he was very old and I think he had a lot of problems. I was pretty sick at this time too, so I didn't go see either of them in the hospital.

I don't even remember the last time I saw my dad's dad.

I was redoing my bedroom and all the heavy furniture was moved to the middle of the room. I went down there are cried for a few minutes.

One morning my mom told me my dad's dad had died. I drove to school and cried for less than a minute. It was the second of three times I remember crying. All three times in my memory were when the first grandpa that died. I can't even remember crying for the other one.

The exact feelings I have towards my grandpas is somehow directly proportional to the way I feel about my respective parents. I don't know why this is.

Although it is in some ways it is a sad occasion, the first funeral is one of my best memories.

I got to play the piano and see my family.

The viewing was in Idaho. I knew hardly anyone. My sister and I made a playlist for it.

Although my mom's dad recovered from his stroke, he was different. He couldn't talk as well, or do things as independently, but most noticeable was the change in his countenance. He seemed more childlike and innocent, somehow.

He did really well, considering, but eventually he ended up back at the hospital. We all knew he probably wouldn't be back out.

I was in phlebotomy class when my dad called me and told me to come to the hospital because they were going to stop his pacemaker, the thing that was keeping him alive. All of my immediate family was there, and aunts and uncles, but few if any other cousins. My dad's sister, who is a nurse, stopped the pacemaker, and he died almost immediately.

I went with two of my sisters to get some food, and then we went to the parkway and walked around for a long time. I haven't been back there since.

All of this was going on during the end of school, and life was pretty hectic.

I got to see a lot of family. I have good memories of this whole thing as well.

We sang a song as an entire family at the funeral and my sisters and I, right in the front, started laughing because someone messed up or something.

I played my viola. I haven't played it since.

I hope someday that I can know my grandparents as equals. Somehow I feel like I've only known them in a very distinctly unequal kind of relationship. This is not a negative thing at all; grandparents deserve respect and I was young for the time I knew them, but I want to know them just as people as well as grandparents.

I never thought about that last thing I wrote until I wrote it. I don't think a lot of people really know me, especially in my extended family, because I am so quiet around them. I don't know why I am, I always have been. I wonder what they think about me.

Thank you and God bless.