I've spent a LOT of time and energy on taking what people think, or even what I think that people think, to heart. I've let it take control of my thoughts, my actions, my self-image, my self-esteem, my goals, my priorities, my decisions, my choice to be happy. I think most people have probably experienced this to some degree. I shudder and cringe thinking of the all times I've taken an off-handed comment or glance and built a monument to it in my mind. I'm sorry for the negativity that I have projected onto others only to have it reflect back to me so I could bask and wallow in it, most likely without them having any idea. I wish I could live a life without falsely perceived "shoulds" leading me along. I want to do the things I do and say the things I say because they are who I am completely, who I'm meant to be. And my deepest desire, the thing that we all want, is to be seen for all that I am, and accepted. To be held onto because I am me, imperfections and all, and that is enough. I've spent too much time trying to figure out how I can change so that I will have worth, so that I will be enough for those around me. Don't get me wrong, I think it's important and essential to change every single day. We need the purifying refiners fire to consume the dross that covers our gold, that holds us back from reaching our full potential. But when we start to question the worth of that gold inside of each of us, that is when we get into trouble. One of my favorite books contains one of my favorite quotes that I feel is quite fitting for this commentary:
“He said that those who have endured some misfortune will always be set apart but that it is just that misfortune which is their gift and which is their strength and that they must make their way back into the common enterprise of man for without they do so it cannot go forward and they themselves will wither in bitterness. He said these things to me with great earnestness and great gentleness and in the light from the portal I could see that he was crying and I knew that it was my soul he wept for. I had never been esteemed in this way. To have a man place himself in such a position. I did not know what to say. That night I thought long and not without despair about what must become of me. I wanted very much to be a person of value and I had to ask myself how this could be possible if there were not something like a soul or like a spirit that is in the life of a person and which could endure any misfortune or disfigurement and yet be no less for it. If one were to be a person of value that value could not be a condition subject to the hazards of fortune. It had to be a quality that could not change. No matter what. Long before morning I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I’d always known. That all courage was a form of constancy. That it was always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals came easily. I knew that courage came with less struggle for some than for others but I believed that anyone who desired it could have it. That the desire was the thing itself. The thing itself. I could think of nothing else of which that was true.”
I desperately want to have the courage to live every day as if I was the person of worth and value that someday I hope to truly know that I am. It's taking my all, but I really believe I'm getting better every day in this. Some days I'm nearly there, others there doesn't seem to be much I can do but endure till the sun shines again. But overall I think this to be a worthy cause, for with this mindset one can't help but see all of their fellowmen as people of unconditional value. And that's why we're here, really. I feel like that's why I'm here. To be myself completely, and to help others do the same.
Quote credits to Cormac McCarthy, All the Pretty Horses
