Thoughts

So for the last little while I've been feeling kind of weird. Not bad weird, but like peaceful and calm and a little melancholy. And probably the opposite of how I should be feeling with finals breathing down my neck. But it is good, I guess. It has also been paired with this feeling of having no desire to have anything to do with most people, save for a select few. I feel like I could literally sit outside all day today in the beautiful weather and scenery by myself, and be content. Maybe with one more person. But I have been feeling like being a loner with no desire to make small talk or interact with people. Hopefully it hasn't been so bad that I've been rude, but that's just how I've been feeling.

I also will probably not make much of an effort to make effective segues between these thoughts, so just be prepared.

 I've decided that I've defined my nirvana. I may be misusing the word nirvana, but I don't really feel like looking up the exact definition. Anyway, here it is: eating the best food imaginable very, very slowly in a very, very beautiful place with people that I really, really want to be with. I can't really think of much that is better. I mean, I love to do activities and go to events and all of that sort of thing, but I kind of feel like this is the epitome of where I want to end up when I've lived my life to the fullest.

I have the sinking feeling, however, that the calm I'm feeling is the calm before the storm. I mean, I guess you could really think this about anytime in your life, and, as I heard a girl say the other day, "You can't live in a what-if world." But I guess when things are going well, I can't help but think about how everything could turn upside down. I'm feeling good about classes, I have great friends, I have a job lined up, my family is great, everything seems fine. But then what happens when finals go horribly and my scholarship is in jeopardy, my friends leave physically or, even worse, friendships just fall apart, my job and commuting turn out to be a disaster and take away my summer...I'm pretty solid about my family staying ok, but that too could change. Maybe it's better for me to have things going badly so I have things to work on. No, I love when things are going great. Maybe it's analogous to what happens when I get a compliment. Not all compliments, and not from all people, but a lot of times they have the opposite effect of what they were intended for. Usually this happens when someone says something that contradicts one of my many physical insecurities so that immediately I think that they have noticed the negative things as well and are trying to make me feel better about it which makes me feel worse because they've noticed and it's just a vicious cycle. I should probably really get some studying done, and quit rambling on about nothing. Because everything is great. Isn't it?

Edit: Shortly after writing this, I felt very, very lonely. Maybe because my roommate is moving out tomorrow and it's hitting that sooner than I can comprehend I may indeed be more alone than I realize. I guess this was a quick case of being careful what I wish for. Everybody I know here at school, I'm ready to not be a loner, let's all hang out while we can.