I just need to try and write out some stuff I can't easily say.
I'm trying to figure out what kind of person I am. Not completely, that would probably be impossible. But I think some character evaluation is in order.
I watched a few episodes of that Napoleon Dynamite cartoon, and there was one that featured a girl with strong but very fickle romantic attachments to many of the characters. At one point she seems to realize what kind of person she it, and she says quietly to herself, "Why am I so crazy?"
That probably makes more sense if you have seen it, but sometimes I think about myself and remember that cartoon girl, and ask myself the same question.
Why am I so crazy?
I've never been in what may be called a "facebook official relationship" but as relationship is sort of a broader word than that, I can say that I have been in relationships with people (I think technically you have a relationship with everyone that you know, but the word does have connotations that I wanted to get past.) Anyway, I am just getting afraid of what kind of person I will be in an "official relationship." I'm afraid that I will be the worst. I can see myself as the clingy, anxious, needy person that can turn a potentially healthy relationship bad when it doesn't need to be, just because I can't handle my own insecurities. Even now, with certain people (or maybe person) whom I have spent a lot of time with both on dates and just hanging out, I get anxious and worried about where our relationship is at and how the other person feels about me if there isn't positive affirmation all the time. That is why I hate and love texting and facebook; the possibility is there for contact all of the time and so when there isn't I worry and then I hate that I worry. Its almost like I have a quota that needs to be filled for me to be relaxed and happy with everything which is not at all healthy. And there is a possibility that it is a little worse because we haven't really defined the relationship so I don't know really how things should be or could be. And the further possibility, even more probable, that even if the relationship was "defined" I would still have no idea about anything.
The saddest thing is that the people (or person) who I feel I need to be accepted by and I guess cared about the most are actually so, so good to me and I'm not even sure what they are getting out of this relationship because it can't be as much as I am. He (I'm going to stop pretending that I'm not just talking about one person) has never been anything but cute and charming and some adjective that means someone who takes care of you to me, and given me more than enough good times and words that I should just be content. I should. But sometimes I can't just keep this in my memory and I am needy again until the next time we talk or do something. Which scares me. I can't just be like this forever. And again, maybe when I have a more serious relationship and eventually (potentially) get married the commitment will help me to trust myself and the other person more.
And really, there has been a lot more of me just being happy than of me being anxious, especially when we saw each other almost every day. Again, I have had a more than enough, a lucky amount, of reasons to be happy, more than I probably gave.
And I guess my days are pretty limited with this situation anyway, so I may as well just keep everything on a high note.
I just hope that in the future I can be not so crazy.
Well, I think first of all it would be beneficial to you to know that you honestly aren't any more crazy than most people I know, including myself. But, in my opinion, I think that if you didn't worry about matters of the heart, then there would be an even bigger problem; it would mean that you didn't care, and I think the worst things happen when people just don't try to care.
ReplyDeleteSo, since you do have concerns about things, I think it's valid to say that this person you are talking about has the same types of feelings. If you think about it, have you ever asked him about where you guys stand? And if not, why? Now take that thought, and then realize that this same hesitation is probably going through his head as well. It's not easy to say how you feel about someone else (it might actually be the hardest thing in the world to do).
You said that you feel that if it's not constantly affirmed that someone cares about you, then you just aren't sure if this is true. I would say that you need to stop doing this, but I would also say that with the disclaimer that you need someone that doesn't allow you to think like this. I would also ALSO say to keep in mind that sometimes things don't happen as fast as they "should," and by that I mean that this guy might someday be the person who leaves you doubtless, and he might not. Whoever is meant to be your most solid rock is somewhere out there, regardless of what's going on in your world right now. It could be someone you know, or someone that you have no idea even exists, but they're out there, probably having their own problems with their heart.
I think that every relationship you have is meant to put things in perspective, to kind of show you who is meant to be in your life always and who you need to learn things from and/or teach things to, and then move on as much as is needed. You'll find someone that you always want to be with and that always want to be with you, and when being together isn't possible, it will be an unsaid agreement that you'll be thinking about each other.
ReplyDeleteYou have as much to offer as anyone out there (believe me on this one) and there's no reason things won't work out for you if you work at them. Happiness shouldn't seem like a far away goal, but it should be something we work to keep around us all the time. When I say "work," I mean it; happiness is not always that easy, and sometimes you need a good cry, but there's no reason that crying should last long. There's so much hope in everything, not just the future, but also the present.
So, I know it's all easier said than done, and that I'm not that qualified myself to give all this advice, but I have a good feeling about it. Life works out, and someday I bet you'll think, "What was I even worried about back then?" Maybe this might make it easier to cut down on the worrying now.
P.S. I recently listened to this song, "Clever Love" by Angels & Airwaves, and it's just right there in my mind, wanting to be shared right now. Here is a video (I really like what the guy says at the beginning and the end): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd5pd_MoUtY
Also, reading the lyrics like a poem is easier for applying it to yourself and realizing that we all kind of have the same thoughts go through our heads, so here you go:
Oh I know you well
All your life I've watched you breathe
I've watched you lie across the seam through space and time
Through every year of every kind
I'd wait like snow, on the eve of spring
I can out last cold, can you out last me?
Every word you say, is a perfect thing
It's the perfect time, for the perfect love
And you oh, you're all I desire
And you oh, this clever love won't tire
Oh I've felt your spell
And all alike, it's been like hell
Every single time the cycle goes
In and out of fear of getting left behind
I see your glow, your eyes are kind, they kill as well
I bare in mind, every word I say is a silent thing
And a solid wish, will you lay with me?
And you oh, you're all I desire
And you oh, this clever love won't tire
And you oh, you're all I desire
And you oh, our clever love caught fire
You're all that I want, you're all that I need
You're my everything
(I know it's not perfect, but I hope it helps a little.)