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So by now you may have noticed that this is basically my journal, since writing in a journal is one of my weaknesses. If you haven't noticed, that's ok, because journals are mostly meant for the person writing them anyway.  I like this version because not only do I get posts and feedback from you as well, I feel like I include things I never would in a regular journal, although maybe I also don't include things I would in a regular journal....

Irrelevant rambling. Back to the point.

So this post is just going to be me dumping some thoughts out that are swimming around my head. Be prepared for randomess, very little clarity, and more rambling.

I was reading the newspaper today, and I turned to the wedding announcements. I like to read them sometimes. This one girl who went to a high school around here just married an attractive man from Sweden. In the Copenhagen, Denmark temple. A man that she met when she was on a three-month trip with friends to Sweden. They will go on a honeymoon to Malta for two weeks and then live in Sweden. I may just be filling in a lot of blanks here, but it sounds to me that she kind of has a cussing exciting life. It sounds like a movie. I can't comprehend people like that, people like Grace Kelly, who was all like "Oh, I'll just be over here being one of the most beautiful people to ever live, and a beloved movie star, and then I'll just marry the Prince of Monaco and become a princess. NBD." People that do great and amazing things, especially when they do them at young ages, just fascinate me, especially on days when my greatest concern is what time I need to wake up in the morning. I've always felt I was a late bloomer, but I'm just not sure I'll ever bloom quite enough to be up with the greats that have lived (also if this is unclear, I am extending the title of "greats" well past the girl who married the foreigner. She just got me thinking). Before I start having too much of a pity party for myself, though, I need to remember something I realized, which is that wishing and hoping can only get you so far (which turns out to not be very far at all; only as far as getting the thought in your mind, really.) and if I really want something I need to work and pray till it happens for me. Because I will give myself this: although my accomplishments have been small and maybe not even as many as they could have been, I think that I have been able to go out and get things I've wanted. And it is my philosophy that if the thing you want can't or won't happen yet, then you sure as cuss better live like you're going to get it, or in the way you need to in order to get it, because not being ready for it when the opportunity actually comes would be kind of the worst. Maybe I'll never be Grace Kelly, but I may as well be the best me that I can possibly be.

I can hardly post without some kind of musical reference, so here that goes:

1. Of Monsters and Men are pretty great, I think we agree on that. You know when you have those moments when you connect with a song, like you are really listening to it for the first time even if you've heard it before? That is me and "Love Love Love" right now. Maybe it's super cheesy and cliche to feel like you connect with and relate to a song like that, but I don't really care. I feel it.

2. "To Be Alone With You" by Sufjan Stevens. When I first heard it, I assumed it was about lovers. After listening to more words, I thought, "uh, gay lovers?" Finally I listened to all the words, and I realized "Oh, its about Jesus." I think. That's one thing I love about Sufjan; he's not like a Christian singer, but he is a Christian and a singer and sometimes he sings about what he feels about his spirituality, the good and the bad. A very notable example is "Casimir Pulaski Day," a song I find more meaning in each time I listen to it.

3. I just discovered this album called Wedding Day by Nate Lithgow on Spotify as I was typing this, and it's really chill. Unlike an actual wedding day, I would guess. Oh well.

I think one problem I have in life is that I go into some things afraid that they will end badly. I can remember times when I have specifically thought "Well this is not going to end well." And guess what? They usually do. And while I might fall harder when I am disappointed and things actually do not end well, it just may be worth it to shake off this mindset for when things do work out and I can just experience the joy without my reservations bringing me down. There is this book I like, Their Eyes Were Watching God, and while there are many things that make the book great, the thing that made me joyful—not just happy, or glad, but actually joyful—when I was reading it was that the things I thought were going to end badly did not. There were other things that ended very, very badly, it's true, but I wasn't disappointed in who I thought would disappoint me. Maybe you are thinking "gee, a book where things go well, that sounds like great literature" but I really can't explain it very well. Maybe read it and we can discuss it, it's a short one. Or maybe you've read it. Anyway, I'm just going to try and shake off my old mottos of "the lower your expectations the less disappointment" and "hope for the best but expect the worst" and try to live more...more. Combined with pure, Christlike love towards all mankind. Now that I've got my goals written down, maybe I can remember and achieve them. 

Thank you for sticking with this till the end, if you are here.