I have some stuff to say, and no one here to say them to, so here I am, typing away.
I don't know what is wrong with me lately. Nothing makes me happy, and yet I do nothing to make myself happy. I don't make new friends because I never feel like it, and then I feel lonely because I have no friends. I don't like this place I am living in because there's nothing to do, and there's nothing to do because I don't go out and do anything. I don't like the school I'm going to even though I learn so much every day that I want to learn about. I just want to go back a couple weeks in time and be home and have summer time still, and that will never be possible. I thought I would come to school and not have to start over, but it feels like the beginning of my freshman year again, and that might have been the worst couple of weeks of my life to date. I know (or at least I hope) that things will get better, some time in the future. And that's my problem: I spend a lot of time trying to live in the future or in the past, and never really in the present. What is going on with me? Seriously, any suggestions might be helpful. Or even better, how about some advice for me, because I am feeling pretty pathetic right about now.
I don't know what is wrong with me lately. Nothing makes me happy, and yet I do nothing to make myself happy. I don't make new friends because I never feel like it, and then I feel lonely because I have no friends. I don't like this place I am living in because there's nothing to do, and there's nothing to do because I don't go out and do anything. I don't like the school I'm going to even though I learn so much every day that I want to learn about. I just want to go back a couple weeks in time and be home and have summer time still, and that will never be possible. I thought I would come to school and not have to start over, but it feels like the beginning of my freshman year again, and that might have been the worst couple of weeks of my life to date. I know (or at least I hope) that things will get better, some time in the future. And that's my problem: I spend a lot of time trying to live in the future or in the past, and never really in the present. What is going on with me? Seriously, any suggestions might be helpful. Or even better, how about some advice for me, because I am feeling pretty pathetic right about now.
I want to help. I'm not sure exactly what you need but I'm just going to lay out everything I can think of. And I will start by saying I don't know exactly what you are going through or your whole situation so part or all of this may not apply. Of course my situation is different than yours so I can't just translate, but I did go through a bit of an emotional rollercoaster this summer and was not always in a healthy place emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally. I finally decided I couldn't live like I was anymore, and I somehow took hold of myself and made some changes that needed to happen. That is not easy, and you can't always just say "Oh, I'll fix this" and then bam- things are great. I think the biggest thing for me was the Spiritual reboot. I don't know where you're at spiritually, I've always thought of you as having a strong testimony but you know you better. Besides just doing the basics of going to church, daily scripture study, and near-constant prayer, I have made it a goal to keep the phrase "What thinks Christ of me?" in my mind and to keep Christ at the center of all I do. And I truly believe that doing that has given me the strength and maybe more importantly the calm and peace to work on the rest of my life. I also have a history of struggling with some of the things you mentioned, such as making new friends and having things to do, but even in these few weeks I've found that focusing on Christ and having the Spirit with me has made the other things fall into place.
ReplyDeleteYou say that one problem you are having is just the lack of motivation to do things, and so this may not be what you want/need to hear, but there are four little things (aside from what I've already mentioned) that, in my opinion, may help you to feel better about life: eating healthy foods, exercising, volunteering, and keeping the relationships you already have with people strong (I know for a fact that there are people that really care about you and will be there for you anytime you need to talk even if you feel like it is something small-and I am one of those people). That is a lot to just do at once, especially if you are feeling kind of apathetic, and with all the time that actual school takes, so maybe just make one thing (of course there are more things than are on this list) a goal for the day or even the week. I'm trying to avoid saying "well, even if you don't want to do these things just do them" because I really feel for what you are feeling, but I can also promise you that even making one positive change in your life that makes you feel better, it kind of turns into the gift that keeps on giving, and any happiness you find will help you find the strength to go find more. It also may help you to better live in the present, because even though memories are extremely important and goals/planning for the future is pretty vital to living a good life, I really think that sometimes you just need to focus on yourself and happiness in the moment. If you aren't at your best, or the best you can be, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually-if you aren't exactly the person you want to be, then chances are you probably won't really be your best academically or socially, etc. It takes time to figure out who you want to be and what you are going to do to be that person (frankly, the process probably never ends). And as important as having good friends and doing fun things and living up the "college life" is, this may have to be a time where you sacrifice a little of that to focus on yourself in order to be twice as happy in the future. Of course you can do both, I'm not at all saying that you need to go be a hermit or anything, but making this kind of short-term investment for yourself might have a payoff that is worth it.
Now, I'm going to try and say this next part really sensitively, and without trying to label or judge, because I know the stigma this can have and I am in no position to diagnose or anything. And a year ago I probably wouldn't even have said it because of preconceived notions. But fairly recently, I have learned that about half of my brother-in-law's immediate family, as well as one of my sisters, have had clinical depression to some degree. I am not saying you do, but I've learned it really is a fairly common thing, especially milder forms, that is a possibility, in which case there is a multitude of resources more knowledgeable than myself that can help.
ReplyDeleteI hope this wasn't just a terrible, unhelpful rambling, because I honestly want you to be happy, and I want to do anything I can to help you with that. You are intelligent and funny and people like you (not an exhaustive list of your good qualities, by any means), and I have no doubt that you will be able to work this out. This advice might be better suited to me if I was in your position, and I know that people really have to figure things out for themselves, whatever help or advice they may receive, because there is really no telling what will hit you hard and inspire you to make the changes that need to come, but this was my best shot at some advice for you. Really, anytime you need anything, I'm here.