Growing Up. And Out.

And I mean that in a lot of different ways.

There comes a time when you have to let go of things you think you love, for the greater good.

It's a hard thing to do.

Maybe it's something that made you feel a little like a celebrity that you may or may not idolize.

Maybe it's something you bought and want to get your money's worth out of.

Maybe it's something that a boy, whom you really wanted to please, told you he liked, on more than one occasion.

Maybe the thing I'm talking about is a dress, a lot like this one:

Ok, so it's not that big of a deal. I just really liked it. And I knew it was short (I think mine is actually shorter than Zooey's) but I thought with tights I was getting away with it. Until today.

At church, I felt totally self-conscious, thinking everyone was looking at it and measuring other people's hemlines to try and justify mine. The final straw came when I tried wearing it out of work with no tights and I realized that if my torso bent in any way (such as it when getting in my car...) then I would just be laying it all out there for the world to see. 

I don't know if it was always like this, and I've just been thinking about upcoming dress standards changes so I'm more aware. Or maybe I've gained my Sophomore However-Much-Weight. Or maybe I have gotten taller since this summer? The point is, I feel a little torn about this dress. There are so many little things that make me want to keep wearing it. And one good-enough reason not to.

Life lesson coming your way!

Ok, so the dress only cost me like 20 bucks, and I've worn it at least 20 buck's worth of times. And despite what you or my sisters others may think, I'll really be ok if I never magically turn into a Deschanel. But the other reason I have that are causing this conflict could be a little symbolic of my life right now.

If all goes according to plan, I'll be dressing a bit differently fairly soon. And in all honesty I'm not so sure I'm ready for the reason that will happen just yet. There's the simple fact that it's a change, and I don't think any change comes without some nervousness and anxiety, but I also feel unprepared and just straight-up not ready at this moment. I guess it's a good thing I have a few moments between now and it happening.

I maybe won't be 19 forever. And maybe sometime I will have to come to terms with the fact that I'm going to get older and sometimes my pants will stop fitting and I cannot let that break me down because trying to look like a high-schooler forever will be a steep uphill losing battle. But while I am 19, I'm not gonna worry about it. I'll try and just cross that bridge when I come to it.

I'm in a weird guy place right now. Well, it's probably not that weird, but still. It's like I really want a guy in my life (despite how I try to appear to the rest of the world I'm a pretty hopeless romantic. I'm slowly letting myself accept it.), but I do nothing that would aid me in getting one. And then I just kind of hold onto the remnants of what may or may not have been in the past, or one or two scenarios out of a bazillion that could happen in the future. And I don't know how healthy that is. Or how long I can actually keep it up. I guess I'm just kind of stagnant, but even though I know that, I'm not willing to move in any direction. Except on a mission, which will move me away from all of that. And that may be just the right thing for me right now, to help get my mind right. Also this isn't like ruling my life or anything, so don't worry. I'm pretty ok in this department for the most part.

I guess there are just going to be sacrifices made in these next few months, by me and by a lot of people I know. It starts today with my imitation Zooey dress, and I will guess that it'll get a cuss of a lot harder. Now is the time when I need to decide for an unquestionable fact what is important and what I really want, because it will be extremely hard to see that for the first time if I have to sort through the things of the natural man to find them.

On an unrelated note, here is a clip from Meet the Press that I thoroughly enjoyed and agreed with for the most part. I watched it three times already. If you've got a second, it's interesting. And I wish more people would have this view on the candidates rather than the constant bashing that is making me tired.