Kind of. It's a work in progress.
I took a little journey up north on Thursday, as you know, partly with the intent to visit my sisters. I am ashamed to admit that I was hoping that this visit would be a kind of a group visit because, although I had spent time with the sister next up in age from me, I've spent very little time one-on-one with my oldest sister (maybe if she used to babysit me or something) and I was (stupidly) really worried it was going to be super awkward, mainly because I am awkward and generally not very good at conversation. As it turned out I went to lunch with my next oldest sister and her husband, which was fun and good to see them, and then we had to part ways so I could see the oldest one. I was prepared for a "stop in and say hi" kind of visit.
Of course, there was the presence of the World's Cutest (and smartest) Children that kept me there. I love those guys more than just about anything in the world. But something else happened that made me really happy—I felt like my sister and I were good friends. We talked and laughed and had a really good time (at least I did). I wonder what exactly I was worried about, I have known her my entire life. I guess I've just never been able to completely shake the "little sister" feeling in my family. I am still usually just a spectator in any big or serious conversations on religion or politics or history or whatever; I have historically loved just being able to be present for stuff like that. But now I am seeing that I am growing up and becoming a real person with actual ideas and beliefs. I'm at least as far along in life as my sisters have all been at my age (with the exception of the oldest who was about two months from being engaged at this point) and I feel there is no reason I have to keep holding myself down in the position of the little sister who is just there and is kind of awkward when talking to others and has no real life experience or knowledge or anything to contribute really except the occasional (maybe) funny comment. Maybe it's time for me to be a big kid, just like them. I think I would very much like that.
I feel the same way but even more so with my extended family. I love them all—maybe most of us wouldn't be friends at all if we weren't related, but I like to be with them and I'm glad to have them. However, same story—I have 16 aunts and uncles and (at my best count) 57 living cousins (including their spouses) and not one of them have I have hung out with or anything outside of family gatherings. I doubt most of them know very much about me at all besides the obligatory small talk you make at parties (which is my own fault). Granted, a lot of them live far, far away and there is a sizable age difference (my oldest cousin has children closer to my age than I am with him) but it still makes me a little sad. There is one girl cousin who graduated the same year as us that lived about fifteen minutes away from my parents that I am especially remorseful about not knowing better. It's a good thing that it's usually not to late for that sort of thing.
I just need to put on my big girl pants and be a person instead of another kid that my parents bring to family functions. There may be some supposed perks to being a wallflower, but this is not one of them.
Hopefully we'll have a really, really long time to get to know one another (like maybe eternity?)
Until then, I'm going to try and be myself completely. Maybe that will turn out to be someone worth knowing.
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