Missions are for Learners

*I decided to do this in separate posts, I hope that is okay with everyone you.

Entry 2

   Well, everyone I've talked/listened to about missions warned me that this would come, but I have to admit that I kind of thought I'd already passed this point and gotten through it because of my strong resolve to go on a mission a long time ago.

   I started my papers just a little while ago, and I was given advice by multiple people on how to proceed (one being my dad, who I am starting to suspect might know everything about everything). They all said something to the effect of this: "You need to study it out and pray hard to know exactly what you need to do. Maybe your mission can wait awhile. Maybe you need to leave as soon as possible. And maybe, you won't even end up going on a mission; maybe the Lord has other plans for you." So, I completely ignored the last suggestion and started contemplating on when I needed to leave. I have to admit that I didn't do a whole lot of deep searching, pondering, and praying now that I look back on it. I guess I kind of thought it would just come to me as soon as I asked. 

   Well, I didn't really get anything. As time went on with no clear answer, I got more worried. I suddenly found myself evaluating that third option: What if I wasn't even on the right track at all? What if I needed to stay home and make sure I didn't miss out on anything here? What if all this time it was just me wanting myself to go on a mission, when it just wasn't in the cards for me? I didn't think I was mixing up my priorities; I just wanted to do what I was supposed to do.  

   Then I tried to make it better by reading through my old journals and scripture annotations. 

TOTALLY backfired. 

I found letters from my parents/friends/old church leaders talking about how good of a missionary I would be someday. I read past experiences about being so excited for the day I could leave for my mission. All this stuff did was make me more upset! "Great, now I'll let all these people down if I don't go," is what I thought. I was so lost and confused, on the edge of devastation. For what seemed like years, but was actually probably more like 2 or 3 days, I seriously did not know if I was going to go on a mission. I was in a bad place. 

   While I was probably at the most hopeless state of this episode, a memory of this last summer came to me. I remembered how one of our close friends was nearing his time to go on a mission, and how suddenly, he wasn't sure about it anymore. I remember knowing how awesome he would be and how awesome it would be for him, and praying that he'd figure this out too. I knew there was a force trying to sway him away from doing what he needed to do, because his mission would change countless lives for forever, and this force couldn't stand the thought of that. 

   And then, I went and read a letter from this same friend, a little bit older now, currently on his mission and telling me of the joy he gets when he gives others the messages that the Gospel has to offer. All of the memories of why I have always wanted to go started coming back. I was instantly in a brighter mood. I can't believe that the adversary had been that tricky; I hadn't even realized what was going on until after the fact. I had even been warned about it, and he still got me doubting. 

   I remember a talk I heard once--well, I remember it enough to paraphrase a quote from it. The woman who spoke said something like this, "Things will come up in your life that will try to make you doubt things that you know are true. If the Spirit has testified to you of the truthfulness of something, allow that to carry you through these trying times. Don't allow room for doubt and push forward."

   I know it won't be smooth-sailing from here on out, but I think being aware of what's going on is a big step. Feel free to remind me of this as needed.