I Forgot How Great AwkwardFamilyPhotos Can Be

"Smart Mormons"

This article is rather beautiful. I learned a lot while reading it, and I was born into an LDS family. Definitely worth reading

Blast From The Past

I have been so, so into Wilco lately.
They were one of the first bands I was "into" when I started discovering music that I hadn't grown up listening to, and I just remembered how awesome they are.
That's all.

Worst post ever.

An Assignment My Sister Just Turned in for her English class

WHY MY SISTER HAS HATED ME SINCE WE WERE CHILDREN
(a better title might be "Who Was Holding the Camera and Why Didn't They Do Anything About This?")

introduction 1

introduction 2

conflict 1

conflict 2

rising action 1

rising action 2

rising action 3

climax
(wish she would have photoshopped me some pants before giving it my former English teacher/yearbook adviser)

falling action

conclusion

We Have Such A Wonderful World

I just had two of the happiest days I've had in a while. Although Thursday's bizarre and terrible weather was not an auspicious start to the pre-weekend excursion I went on, everything turned out fabulously. I don't want to bore you with all the details, but midday I set off with my sister, her bf, and her roommate for the wilderness via Wyoming, meeting up with a few more friends (and a lovely Chesapeake Bay Retriever [I read dog encyclopedias as a child and guessed that breed correctly. I guess it comes in handy-ish?]) on the way, our destination a Uintah mountain trailhead. We then proceeded on our two hour cross country ski trip by moonlight(and headlamplight) up to the yurt. While skiing along (aka hiking with skis, at least going this direction on the trail) I was just overcome with a love for this world. I think I've blogged about this before, how I forget about what happens to me when I really get out into nature (which unfortunately doesn't happen a lot), how I really feel that closest to God (aside from in the temple and such) and myself and the world when I'm out in the wonders of Creation. I'm a pretty happy person, when I'm not being dumb, but it's more rare that I feel actual pure joy, and I felt it out in the mountains last night. And then we came to a sight something like this: 

Yurt.

Which was just wonderful. I was surrounded by people who are good and do great things like get awesome educations and travel the world and have big dogs that they take hiking a lot and talk about going to free Cold War Kids concerts coming up in Park City and they seem to be everything that I want to be and so maybe I can be just like them someday. But in my own way. The trip probably didn't mean as much to any of them as it did to me, (except maybe Lola the dog, she had a really good time) but it was exactly what I needed to remind myself of the world out there. 

And I only fell once really coming down the baby downhill trail in the morning. I kind of wonder how I survived skiing that one other time, because it's kind of terrifying. 

The world is the best.

I'm just a couple years too late

http://www.google.com/doodle4google/

This Might Be Really Weird...

Have you ever had a celebrity crush....for another person? Haha. For some reason when I see James Mercer (of The Shins) I think "I feel like Shae would marry him. Or someone really like him."
And I don't even know why. I mean, he has a nice beard. And kind eyes.

If you want me to set you up, just let me know. I once spied on his concert from a nearby mountain so we're pretty close.

https://www.google.com/search?q=james+mercer&rlz=1C1TSNJ_enUS444US444&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=HBD_UKOPF8nniAKJ2IDgDA&biw=1366&bih=667&sei=IBD_UJvrDofxigL7rIFI

(you know, this is just a link to the google image result page for "james mercer" which you can probably find just as well on your own if you really want to.)

What I Found Posted To Our Apartment Building's Mailbox Today

I don't know what the heck kind of world you grew up in, girl, but the mailman is not going to go find your packages.

Good luck with that, though.

Things my heart has thought

I have been a pitiful blogger lately, and now I will make up for it by putting everything I should have typed over the last few weeks into one giant post. I apologize.

I recently finished my mission papers. I sent them to the bishop and am now waiting to finish them up to send to church HQ. I have to admit that I have not felt some great spiritual outpouring telling me that I did the right thing. However, I haven't felt disturbed about it at all (despite the excited nervousness that I get into when I realize how close it is). All I've had is peace, and after a recent father's blessing, I'm sure that I've made the right choice and that this is where I need to be in the process right now.

Confession time: You may or may not know this (I am hoping that you don't), but I am a prideful person. I also don't have the greatest self esteem, so this is kind of weird to explain. I'm prideful in the sense that when I realize how important something is to me, I do what I need to to get it done, without much attention to how convenient it is to me (at least, I like to think I am this way), and because I have this kind of attitude, I have a hard time when dealing with people who don't have this kind of attitude. I've noticed how bad I am at this during the missionary age change and the consequent rush of sisters. I've gotten to the point where 90% of the time I am so excited to be a part of this great sister missionary revolution, 8% of the time I'm super excited for myself and those I know, and indifferent to everyone else. That last 2% is my weakness; it's this part where I hear a girl in my mission prep class say, "21 was such a weird age for sisters to go. It's when you're in the last part of getting your degree and you have way too much school to do to go on a mission. Also, it's when you want to get married. But now, I can go and be back at the same time as the guy I sent on a mission. It's perfect!" And in my head (and please forgive me for my immaturity, and know that I've never thought this about your decision to go on a mission) I say, "How convenient for you." I think I've always had the assumption in the back of my head that sister missionaries are the ones who really get it; all missionaries are great, and most of the guys that go have testimonies they want to share and are seeking ways to serve, but it's the sister missionaries who you know are there based solely on their desire to serve (not a mandate) because they know how important it is. [sidenote: this is getting really embarrassing for me now... I am such a jerk! But I need to tell it to someone]. I really thought I got over these feelings, but it's hard to humble oneself completely I guess. I am glad that I've made progress in it, but I've got some work to do, and realizing there's a problem is the first step, right? In the words of the Fray: "We never know what's wrong without the pain."
Now, I recently went to a devotional by Chad Lewis (if you know who that is. I'm not really a big NFL or college football person, so I had no idea who he was). He told us about his excitement with the new ages. And then he stated something that melted my hardened heart. He said that when President Thomas S. Monson finished saying those words that changed so many lives for young Mormons and their availability to serve missions, the viewers of that announcement who were in the MTC at the time roared with applause and excitement at the notion of the waves of youth that would soon be in the exact same room that they were in.
How could I have been so blind? Why did I think that the happiness I get from wanting to go on a mission was something I couldn't share with anyone else? I know that if these girls who are jumping at the opportunity to serve have had the same compelling feelings that I have, then I have no room to judge who is missionary material and who isn't. I pray that I won't revert back to that pride ever again.

While leaving that same devotional, I was overcome with emotion when this statement came into my head: "I am giving my life to this church." It wasn't a realization, like, "Oh my gosh, I'm giving up all my time for this?" It also wasn't like, "You're so awesome for putting so much into this!" Rather, it was me telling myself, "You know this is true; you couldn't ever truthfully deny that. And what are you going to do about it? You are giving you life to this church." I know that my life isn't a flawless gift that I can give to God, and that a lot of time has already been wasted on things that don't matter, but it's all I have. What's even crazier to think about is that it's all He has asked me to give. My agency is the one thing that God doesn't have control over, and He chose for it to be that way. When I choose to use my agency to make the decisions God would make if He were me, I have given Him the only gift that will ever be meaningful for me to give Him. And in the process, I won't lose anything; instead, I'll gain everything.

I know that I will get back out into the world and that these thoughts will probably not be as vivid in my mind as they are now, but I pray that I will not ever forget them. Luckily, God doesn't believe in lost causes (even though He's like the only one who knows when something actually is a lost cause) and He will work with me until He can't no more. How can I go wrong if I let Him in?

Twofer

Here is a post that should be two posts but it is now one because my computer died while I was writing the first part and the second part...we'll get to that.

Do you have those lessons that you just have to learn over and over again for no apparent reason? I'm not sure if this means that I'm not really learning or what, but today something great just slapped me in the face and made me realize (once again) a truth that I struggle with.

And maybe most traits are like that, maybe there isn't anything that you just one day have down pat and you can say, "Well, I nailed that one, I should be good to go in that department for forever-ish." Which would be really, really nice. But alas.

Maybe you were never this kind of person, but for as long as I have been a functioning human being with a memory I have lived my life by comparing myself to others, and as much as I've wanted to be myself completely, I always find myself slipping back to my old negative ways. In elementary school I based my worth on how I compared to the most athletic boys and girls in my grade, which sucked for me because even though I played basically all the sports possible for me I'm just not really that great at any of them. I've had times, in junior high especially, when all I could think about was how great my life would be if I had the same clothes and hair and makeup that "everyone else" had, because that's what made their lives great. Although I've mostly grown out of these exact scenarios, the root of the problem still manages to haunt me in many other ways.

I don't know if you've experienced this version of the lesson I've learned over and over, but it would usually come powerfully like this: While in the midst of self-pity and longing to be like others, I would find out that the person I was trying to "live up to" had the very trait, or sense of style, or whatever else the case may be that I was forsaking in pursuit of being like them, Or people like them. I would find out that cool kids, the popular and talented and attractive people were just like me, I could have been just like them had I not abandoned myself in pursuit of what I thought was better. I may have not explained that well in such general terms, maybe the point could be best illustrated by a specific example: When I was in late junior high/early high school I was exploring different types of music, and there was/is one kid I know that has excellent taste in music; I'm honored when I find out that I like something he does too (one of my biggest confidence boosters I can remember in my life was when we randomly happened to be sitting by each other for the midnight premier of the sixth Harry Potter movie, and the preview for Where the Wild Things Are came on, which featured the song "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire, and I asked him if he liked Arcade Fire and he got really excited (he does like them). It sounds stupid. But he was one year older and cooler than me.) Anyway, I was trying to get this girl to remember a time when we were really little and used to call each other Simon and Garfunkel (who I had grown up listening to and still do to this day, I love those guys) but at the time I thought they might not be a very "cool" band so I tried to cover by saying something like "My parents like to listen to them, they have some of their cds around my house." Upon hearing the words Simon and Garfunkel, cool music boy begins to sing and air drum to "The Only Living Boy in New York", one of my favorite of their songs. Immediately I felt dumb for trying to be cool; if I had only been myself, I could have been on his level.

That story was pretty equally as dumb as the one I told above. But I think if you have experienced the same thing, then at least you'll get it.

So, this happened to me again today, out of nowhere. It had to do with something that's been bothering  me about myself for a while now, kind of a point of low self-esteem that bugs the back of my mind a lot. But then randomly I found out through a friend that someone I admire greatly and look at as basically an angel was in the exact same position as me at my age, and he is still the person I admire. I can live my life how I want without having to validate myself to...myself. Or anyone else. And I know I've written about this before. I don't know why it's so hard for me. But I guess it's a good thing to get these kinds of reminders to keep myself on track. Because while perfection is the overall eternal goal, for now, staying on track is a slightly more manageable task.

Part 2:

This was not originally meant to be a blog post. It arose from me not being able to sleep (which, granted, for me means I didn't fall asleep within ten minutes of getting into bed) and so for some reason I decided to see how long of a text my phone would allow me to send. It turns out the answer is 2295 characters which is 15 pages on my phone. And so I typed out a text to myself (which for some reason I actually did text to myself) and it being 1:30-ish in the morning the topic on my mind was people I was missing and why I missed them. Specifically a person whom I met about a year ago. So I'm going to post what I wrote, uncut and commercial free at exactly 2295 characters, even though it's a little late-night-sleep-writing-weird at times, and even though I sound like a silly schoolgirl. Which, truth be told, I may well be.

I know in my brain a million reasons why this is dumb and I shouldn't even say it, but I'd also like to say that every word of it is true and in spite of the reasons I should give it up, it's how I really felt and how I hope I get to feel again soon, so I'm putting it out into the universe:
(that intro might build this up a little. it's not that great haha.)



"It's nice to have someone around who tells you nice things and is strong and warm and smells nice.

It's nice to have someone you want to be alone with to watch movies and cuddle and eat ice cream and get into tickle fights with during the boring parts.

It's nice to have someone to go on adventures with and try new things because you know that no matter what you'll be laughing the entire time and somehow everything around you is more interesting and exciting when you're with them and you don't run out of things to say. And when you do run out of things to say, it's fine because you just want to be with them, and just being close is enough sometimes.

It's nice to have someone that you like getting dressed up for, because both getting dressed up and being with them makes you feel special, even when you know you can have just as much fun in a t-shirt and sweats and covered in colored chalk dust.

It's nice to be able to talk about the hard things to talk about with someone who makes you feel safe, even though it's still hard.

It's nice to have someone who is the reason you are constantly smiling, because you can't get them out of your head, as much as that makes you crazy.

It's nice to see the truth in someone that you'd never know otherwise, their weaknesses and fears and vulnerabilities that make you love them even more, partly because they help you love yourself.

It's nice to feel like you matter to someone, like you're a part of their life, and even though its dangerous to think about, it's nice to see a glimmer of what-if maybe someday you could be their world, and they could be yours.

It's nice to be awkward together, to embrace and celebrate the things that make great memories but could have just been fearfully and ashamedly dodged to keep up some sort of front that never made anyone truly happy.

It's nice to be easy to please, and as a result to be pleased often.

It's nice to have butterflies so you can't eat, especially when a hungry boy is there to tag-team your meals so you don't have to worry.

It's nice to be wished good night by the one person you wish was there with you, even though that means you're alone.

It's nice to be remembered, and it's the nicest thing to be remembered when the odds were not it my favor.

It's nice to be together."

-Me

Another Wedding Post

But, don't worry, no wedding of my own right now.

Tears.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=244020232398018

http://www.bellanaija.com/2012/11/17/hollywood-princess-anne-hathaway-adam-shulmans-wedding-all-the-details-on-her-valentino-couture-wedding-dress/

This wedding looks so beautiful. I don't think I pull off the dress, but I like it so much. 

Puppy-dog Eyes FTW!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/09/brown-eyed-men-trustworthy_n_2443050.html

I now know why I am trying to become a scientist; I have repeatedly said in my head and out loud to other people the phrase "In guys I prefer brown eyes to blue eyes, I don't trust people with blue eyes." Called it!

Even though I know I have blue eyes. And I know some great blue-eyed people. Alec Baldwin has the piercing blue eyes of an ice dragon, in his words. But dark brown puppy eyes just make me feel safe and happy, and sometimes blue eyes look shifty. It's just a fact of life, and now I have proof, kind of!

Although I guess conforming to the results of a study does not really have anything to do with being a scientist. Maybe I should just work to become a subject of science instead.

This is Why I Love These Men

I would actually listen to all of these songs. All of the time. Especially the last one, it's been stuck in my head all day.

If you want to be happy, then just do it

I have been barraged with this idea continually on the last little while. As you probably know, I'm not a great optimist. I usually have in my mind a list of things that make me grumpy, and then another list of things that need to happen for me to be happy. I have tried to change, but I guess my belief has been that that would mean I would have to become one of those people who walk around with a smile on their face, introducing themself to everyone they encounter, who always has some big event to go to where everyone will be upset if they don't show up. These people have always seemed the happiest to me I guess. Because of this, I realize now that I have never really liked myself that much; now I am working on not only liking, but LOVING myself. I am myself for a reason, and I am that I might have joy! It's not going to be easy, and I will bet that for the rest of my life I'll have moments where I think, "Shae, you idiot." But my goal is to make these kind of moments brief and flood my life with as much peace and love as possible. I am going to learn how to choose to be happy so that I can better help others to be happy.

One More Day!!!

until its out of my hands and into the universe. in celebration of this:

http://byutv.org/show/db6625a1-95a9-48d4-b8c7-62480b96e701/the-district

I don't know if this is the thing you were talking about with Kaisha but my sister just sent it to me and said it's "cheesy but pretty accurate for what my mission was like."

I've yet to watch one but I think it's on the list for me, along with the errand of angels movie which I still haven't seen!

I would never not be wearing this

http://www.likecool.com/Napsack_suits_for_campers--Apparel--Style.html

there are just a lot of cool things on this website, which can be found here

I'm going on a mission.

The journey has barely begun, and there is still so much more to do. I'm still in the prelims, really. But direction is more important than speed in most cases, I believe.

There have been some times (and I'm sure there will be more to come) when I've thought "oh no, this is a problem there are too many factors here and too many choices, too many directions and this whole thing is complicated."

Until I realized one thing. That can all be true, if I make it so. But you know what is not complicated? Deciding "I'm going on a mission" and then doing just that. What could be more straightforward than that? And while that could sound to some like a bit of a cop-out, I think it's just the beautiful simplicity of doing what is right and knowing what you want and working to get that. And that make me happy. I can think of no better (and less tiring) way to live my life.