I have been a pitiful blogger lately, and now I will make up for it by putting everything I should have typed over the last few weeks into one giant post. I apologize.
I recently finished my mission papers. I sent them to the bishop and am now waiting to finish them up to send to church HQ. I have to admit that I have not felt some great spiritual outpouring telling me that I did the right thing. However, I haven't felt disturbed about it at all (despite the excited nervousness that I get into when I realize how close it is). All I've had is peace, and after a recent father's blessing, I'm sure that I've made the right choice and that this is where I need to be in the process right now.
Confession time: You may or may not know this (I am hoping that you don't), but I am a prideful person. I also don't have the greatest self esteem, so this is kind of weird to explain. I'm prideful in the sense that when I realize how important something is to me, I do what I need to to get it done, without much attention to how convenient it is to me (at least, I like to think I am this way), and because I have this kind of attitude, I have a hard time when dealing with people who don't have this kind of attitude. I've noticed how bad I am at this during the missionary age change and the consequent rush of sisters. I've gotten to the point where 90% of the time I am so excited to be a part of this great sister missionary revolution, 8% of the time I'm super excited for myself and those I know, and indifferent to everyone else. That last 2% is my weakness; it's this part where I hear a girl in my mission prep class say, "21 was such a weird age for sisters to go. It's when you're in the last part of getting your degree and you have way too much school to do to go on a mission. Also, it's when you want to get married. But now, I can go and be back at the same time as the guy I sent on a mission. It's perfect!" And in my head (and please forgive me for my immaturity, and know that I've never thought this about your decision to go on a mission) I say, "How convenient for you." I think I've always had the assumption in the back of my head that sister missionaries are the ones who really get it; all missionaries are great, and most of the guys that go have testimonies they want to share and are seeking ways to serve, but it's the sister missionaries who you know are there based solely on their desire to serve (not a mandate) because they know how important it is. [sidenote: this is getting really embarrassing for me now... I am such a jerk! But I need to tell it to someone]. I really thought I got over these feelings, but it's hard to humble oneself completely I guess. I am glad that I've made progress in it, but I've got some work to do, and realizing there's a problem is the first step, right? In the words of the Fray: "We never know what's wrong without the pain."
Now, I recently went to a devotional by Chad Lewis (if you know who that is. I'm not really a big NFL or college football person, so I had no idea who he was). He told us about his excitement with the new ages. And then he stated something that melted my hardened heart. He said that when President Thomas S. Monson finished saying those words that changed so many lives for young Mormons and their availability to serve missions, the viewers of that announcement who were in the MTC at the time roared with applause and excitement at the notion of the waves of youth that would soon be in the exact same room that they were in.
How could I have been so blind? Why did I think that the happiness I get from wanting to go on a mission was something I couldn't share with anyone else? I know that if these girls who are jumping at the opportunity to serve have had the same compelling feelings that I have, then I have no room to judge who is missionary material and who isn't. I pray that I won't revert back to that pride ever again.
While leaving that same devotional, I was overcome with emotion when this statement came into my head: "I am giving my life to this church." It wasn't a realization, like, "Oh my gosh, I'm giving up all my time for this?" It also wasn't like, "You're so awesome for putting so much into this!" Rather, it was me telling myself, "You know this is true; you couldn't ever truthfully deny that. And what are you going to do about it? You are giving you life to this church." I know that my life isn't a flawless gift that I can give to God, and that a lot of time has already been wasted on things that don't matter, but it's all I have. What's even crazier to think about is that it's all He has asked me to give. My agency is the one thing that God doesn't have control over, and He chose for it to be that way. When I choose to use my agency to make the decisions God would make if He were me, I have given Him the only gift that will ever be meaningful for me to give Him. And in the process, I won't lose anything; instead, I'll gain everything.
I know that I will get back out into the world and that these thoughts will probably not be as vivid in my mind as they are now, but I pray that I will not ever forget them. Luckily, God doesn't believe in lost causes (even though He's like the only one who knows when something actually is a lost cause) and He will work with me until He can't no more. How can I go wrong if I let Him in?
I recently finished my mission papers. I sent them to the bishop and am now waiting to finish them up to send to church HQ. I have to admit that I have not felt some great spiritual outpouring telling me that I did the right thing. However, I haven't felt disturbed about it at all (despite the excited nervousness that I get into when I realize how close it is). All I've had is peace, and after a recent father's blessing, I'm sure that I've made the right choice and that this is where I need to be in the process right now.
Confession time: You may or may not know this (I am hoping that you don't), but I am a prideful person. I also don't have the greatest self esteem, so this is kind of weird to explain. I'm prideful in the sense that when I realize how important something is to me, I do what I need to to get it done, without much attention to how convenient it is to me (at least, I like to think I am this way), and because I have this kind of attitude, I have a hard time when dealing with people who don't have this kind of attitude. I've noticed how bad I am at this during the missionary age change and the consequent rush of sisters. I've gotten to the point where 90% of the time I am so excited to be a part of this great sister missionary revolution, 8% of the time I'm super excited for myself and those I know, and indifferent to everyone else. That last 2% is my weakness; it's this part where I hear a girl in my mission prep class say, "21 was such a weird age for sisters to go. It's when you're in the last part of getting your degree and you have way too much school to do to go on a mission. Also, it's when you want to get married. But now, I can go and be back at the same time as the guy I sent on a mission. It's perfect!" And in my head (and please forgive me for my immaturity, and know that I've never thought this about your decision to go on a mission) I say, "How convenient for you." I think I've always had the assumption in the back of my head that sister missionaries are the ones who really get it; all missionaries are great, and most of the guys that go have testimonies they want to share and are seeking ways to serve, but it's the sister missionaries who you know are there based solely on their desire to serve (not a mandate) because they know how important it is. [sidenote: this is getting really embarrassing for me now... I am such a jerk! But I need to tell it to someone]. I really thought I got over these feelings, but it's hard to humble oneself completely I guess. I am glad that I've made progress in it, but I've got some work to do, and realizing there's a problem is the first step, right? In the words of the Fray: "We never know what's wrong without the pain."
Now, I recently went to a devotional by Chad Lewis (if you know who that is. I'm not really a big NFL or college football person, so I had no idea who he was). He told us about his excitement with the new ages. And then he stated something that melted my hardened heart. He said that when President Thomas S. Monson finished saying those words that changed so many lives for young Mormons and their availability to serve missions, the viewers of that announcement who were in the MTC at the time roared with applause and excitement at the notion of the waves of youth that would soon be in the exact same room that they were in.
How could I have been so blind? Why did I think that the happiness I get from wanting to go on a mission was something I couldn't share with anyone else? I know that if these girls who are jumping at the opportunity to serve have had the same compelling feelings that I have, then I have no room to judge who is missionary material and who isn't. I pray that I won't revert back to that pride ever again.
While leaving that same devotional, I was overcome with emotion when this statement came into my head: "I am giving my life to this church." It wasn't a realization, like, "Oh my gosh, I'm giving up all my time for this?" It also wasn't like, "You're so awesome for putting so much into this!" Rather, it was me telling myself, "You know this is true; you couldn't ever truthfully deny that. And what are you going to do about it? You are giving you life to this church." I know that my life isn't a flawless gift that I can give to God, and that a lot of time has already been wasted on things that don't matter, but it's all I have. What's even crazier to think about is that it's all He has asked me to give. My agency is the one thing that God doesn't have control over, and He chose for it to be that way. When I choose to use my agency to make the decisions God would make if He were me, I have given Him the only gift that will ever be meaningful for me to give Him. And in the process, I won't lose anything; instead, I'll gain everything.
I know that I will get back out into the world and that these thoughts will probably not be as vivid in my mind as they are now, but I pray that I will not ever forget them. Luckily, God doesn't believe in lost causes (even though He's like the only one who knows when something actually is a lost cause) and He will work with me until He can't no more. How can I go wrong if I let Him in?
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