Word of the Week

Life.

It doesn't always make sense.

And I have lately fallen back into the trap of trying to make sense of and change too many things at once, which usually leads to an overwhelmed, dissatisfied, anxious, paranoid, self-absorbed, confused, and all-around negative Nicole.

So I've decided to try something out. Each week I will pick a word, an attribute or an adjective or just something that I want to embody or become. And every night. in my paper journal (that I have neglected terribly for most of my life), I will write down things that I did well to become that word, and things that I wish would have gone differently. 

If it goes well, I may write more about my experience! We'll see. My real goal in all of this is to calm down, step back, and focus on the things that really matter. 

The word of this week will be "SELFLESS"

Here's to hoping this helps.

An Ode to Yoga

It's my belief that everyone should do yoga. Or, at least, that everyone should have an outlet in their life that provides them with the same kind of benefits.
Here is why I love yoga.
So much of our life is spent competing. We compete with other students for spots in schools and programs. We compete with other people for jobs and internships. We compete with schoolwork for grades. We compete with ourselves essentially all day, every day, to grow and become better. There are a million examples. And not all of that is all bad. But it is EXHAUSTING on every level—physically, emotionally, mentally, you name it.
But not in yoga.
In yoga, you give yourself a chance to strip away all competition, all expectations, all negativity. You live in the moment, focused only on the pose and on your breath, with no worry about how you are doing compared to yesterday or to your neighbor .
You just exist.
And to exist is a beautiful thing.

The Playlist Of My Week

Because...I just do this.
It helps me remember where I was at that point of life.

Primitive Girl by M. Ward

Do I Wanna Know by The Arctic Monkeys

New York I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down by LCD Soundsystem

Chained by the xx

Loud Pipes by Ratatat

Communication, or: How My Life Was Changed By At Least Nine People And One Deity In One Weekend.

Sigh.
Ok Breathe.

This weekend seems like it was one of the longest of my life. This month, the same. So much has been packed into so little time and I have frankly just not been able to handle it all very well. I thought I was doing fine, but I guess that just depends on your own personal definition of "fine." I guess I wasn't quite sure what post-mission adjustment would be like, and it has turned out to be much harder than I anticipated.

While at this moment in time I may not be where I want to be, I can promise with every fiber of my being that where I ended up by the end of this holiday weekend is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was, for one simple reason: people. People can hurt and harm and destroy, but they can also help and heal and lift and for that I am grateful.

I often try so hard to change and develop Christlike attributes in a vacuum, so to speak. I close myself off to people in hopes that maybe if I'm alone I'll be able to become everything I want to be and then I will somehow be able to emerge from my cocoon perfected and happy, and everyone will love me. But it just doesn't work like that. In fact, I think most of those qualities worth working on require our interactions with others. We can't become more compassionate while sitting alone in our room; we can't rid ourselves of selfishness without taking on the problems and worries of others and putting them before our own. And I really need to start doing that. I've been living in my own little world, in a self-absorbed bubble, and it's the hardest thing to try and break out of. I guess I will just take it one day at a time.

It's become a little easier with the examples of the people mentioned in the title of this post. I have and will continue to thank God for these people in my life:

• The one who has been so faithful, so supportive, who lets me ramble on and on and is always on my side.
• The one who not only listens so genuinely to my problems but handles her own with angelic grace.
• The one that I'm trying not to break my heart over, who is trying so hard to do the right things,
• The one who takes me on late night ice cream runs, lets me whine a little, then tells me to get over myself. 
• The far-away one with the world's best advice, who is kind without sugarcoating things, who has gone through exactly what I am, who will always be there.
• The one who knows that sometimes the best advice is "Listen to the Sea Change album by Beck."
• The one who became a surprise answer to prayer I didn't even realize I prayed.
• The one who maybe hasn't been there the longest, but through the most meaningful times of my life, who listens without judgement, who I unashamedly bear my heart and soul to on a regular basis.
• The one who gave me life, who finally told me "You are not okay." and with one short conversation broke down and built back up my outlook on myself and my world, 
• The One who never changes, who I desperately need to hold on to every single moment, who will be there when I slip and fall, who Is All.

Thanks, Facebook!

No, really.
I was "waiting for a page to load" so I got on the old time waster of all time wasters, FB (about which literally every day I say "it's not even that great, I'm just not going to get on at all today" ....need to work on the follow through with that one...) and I stumbled upon this little gem.

Ok, I'm not saying this is exactly where I'm at, mainly because I have very limited dating experience and stuff, and this looks like I'm hatin' on particular people but I'm really not!
But it did make me feel a whole lot better about life and myself, somehow. Sometimes you just need some feel-good-cheesy-love-yourself propoganda.

Yes, things will work out.

"You're not a Plan B Kind of Girl"

You deserve better than someone who is afraid to commit to you. It may seem like enough for now. You’re just taking things slow. Oh, how I know those little phrases of “one day” and "just need time.“

You believe them.

And I’ve believed them.

But you’re not a plan B kind of girl.

You need to know that you’re not the invisible one standing in the back who gets chosen last.

You’re the girl who the team captain will be frantically hoping doesn’t get picked by someone else before he gets a turn. You’re a first-pick kind of girl. And no one worth having sits back and lets those girls wait around.

‘Cause every good man knows that the good ones get gone fast.

He should be jumping out of his skin in anticipation to call out your name and say “I pick you.”

“But he’s scared” “…and I’ve got commitment issues” “…and we don’t like labels.”

And. And. And.

Like a fool, I’ve stood there picking at the fabric of my sweater and spinning excuses. I’ve heard them all. I’ve used them all. “He’s been hurt.” “He’s busy.” “He’s in school.” “He doesn’t have a good car.” “He has Momma issues.” “His Dad left.” “His Great Aunt’s second cousin’s puppy just died.”

You’re not the kind of girl who needs to make excuses for him.

Good girls don’t have to finish last.

Honey, you must be at the wrong game and with the wrong players. Because you’re not a substitute, average, or second string.

You’re a catch. You are beautiful and funny and fabulous. Rooms light up when you walk in. Heads turn when you giggle and the earth itself adores the kiss of your feet.

You are worthy to be chosen, pursued, adored, loved, respected and informed. "Do we really have to define this thing?” is almost always a delicate way of asking [[ “Will you fill this lonely spot until I decide nothing better is coming along?”]]

Stop being afraid that you are not worthy enough to be claimed. Stop thinking “I’ll take what I can get. Maybe I will be enough for him one day. Maybe he will be enough for me.”

Don’t even consider the lie that says; “I can’t set my standards too high, because if I do, I might end upalone.”

Better to be alone than taken for granted. Better to be alone than to be a placeholder.

The one that loves you isn’t afraid to say it. If he loves you, he won’t even blink because the idea of giving another man the chance to swoop in is just unacceptable.

He’ll fight and use labels or poems or the Goodyear blimp to show you that you’re just the right fit for that open place in his heart. That no other piece will do.

[[You should be nobody’s second choice. And if you are, then they are NOBODY.]]

He’ll lose his pride to tell you that you make him nervous and he’ll spend his heart to find what makes you laugh. He’ll tell you that you’re worth words and flowers and promises.

And you’ll believe him, because you’ll see it in the way he watches you walk across a room. You won’t have to question it by analyzing a text message or deciphering the tone of an e-mail. Because he’ll drive over on a Tuesday to bring you coffee and you’ll see it in his face and hear it in the way he asks about your day.

Your answer will lie in the memories of nervous beginnings and awkward introductions. You’ll know because the questions didn’t take long to fade. Because he said what he meant and meant what he said [[And even when he messed up; he made up.]]

You’re not his back pocket plan, fill-in girl, or multiple choice answer. You are fierce and a force to be reckoned with and the kind of girl whose beauty calls for hand-written notes, words like “wow” and car rides to the ocean.

Take nothing else and be nothing less.

[[ Be the kind of girl who deserves him and treats him with kindness. Who laughs at his jokes and thanks him when he opens your door. Leave the head games behind you. Encourage him and wear the kinds of dresses that make him respect you. Be the kind of girl who gasps at his surprises and hugs him for his compliments. Be worthy of the kind of man that you deserve and & the man that he was born to be. ]]

Stop waiting for the guy who isn’t sure you’re enough and respect yourself enough to wait for the one that knows you are.

from: http://ashlinsblog.com/

I actually really like this blog. Like it makes me kind of want to cry.

This is another good one.

http://ashlinsblog.com/2014/12/05/black-coffee-weak-people/

I found the perfect post-mission article to put on the blog

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2015/01/news-of-the-church/apostle-offers-counsel-about-social-media?lang=eng