College is for Learners

Sunday, July 5, 2015

I recently reread "Girlfriend Wanted" by Matthew Gray Gubler and was inspired to write my own spinoff version. I mean, what better thing to do at 11 pm when you have got work in the morning? Well, here it is:

WANTED:
One eternally-minded man
Respectful to life of all shapes, sizes, and species
Who eats his vegetables
And prefers outside to in

Must put up with:
Quiet talking
A vocabulary that is 33% sitcom quotes and Shins lyrics
Spontaneous napping
And near-constant singing

Bonus points for:
Kind words
Frequent Hitchcock movie viewing
Front porch sitting
And cuddles at concerts

Looking to be my best me
While you be your best you
And we become our best us

No guarantees that:
My quesadilla consumption will slow down
I won't be judgey of your music
And I will be everything you were hoping for

But
I promise to pray hard every night
And get up every day
Determined to love life
And you
And ice cream sundaes.

-Me

No comments:

Quote-Worthy

Girl at the Library: "I kinda have a photogenic memory."
My dad (while reading a text that was accidentally sent to him): "What does '$....!' mean?"
Cormac McCarthy: "I don't know why I started writing. I don't know why anybody does it. Maybe they're bored, or failures at something else."
Guy talking to me while we were doing our laundry: "Pre-treating: yay!" I probably should have proposed right then.
Girl: "I think the ultimate nirvana would be being able to talk to your husband face to face while you are pooping. And naked."
Woman at work: "The monkeys are watching Lion King, Hakuna Matata will be stuck in my head all day." This job may be fairly interesting.
Video for film talking about the "film school generation of directors:" "In the beginning, however, only two things distinguished them from old Hollywood: They have beards, and they almost all went to film school."
Two guys walking past (in separate conversations): "I always see the sexiest people..." "Anyone who marries a librarian...I mean, they're cool, but..." I really regret missing the end of those sentences.
Two guys behind me at lunch: Guy 1: "I think I want to get something from the other line, but I can't read what the menu is from over here." Guy 2: "Why don't you just go look?" Guy 1: "Well, then the lady might think I want to get something and I'm not sure if I do." Guy 2: "So you tell her you're just looking. [angrily] Man up!" (as he pushes guy 1 out of line)
Tina Fey, from her book Bossypants (in honor of my current study of the reproductive system): "To this day, all I know is there are between two and four openings down there and that the setup inside looks vaguely like the Texas Longhorns logo"
Thomas Edison: "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves."
The internet: "You don't have to have it all figured out to move forward."
Text I received that was not meant for me: "Looks like Chicago but that's all I got since she is not my friend" It seems so mysterious for some reason
Taylor Lautner to Russell Brand: 'Have we met before?' Russell Brand:'I don't believe we've met but I've seen you on posters where you are a boy with the characteristics of a wolf."
Stephen Colbert, on the back of his new children's picture book "I Am a Pole and So Can You": "The perfect gift to give a child or grandchild for their high school or college graduation. Also Father's Day. Also, other times."
Sports Radio host: "I'm a white guy that grew up in a town full of white people. You don't learn a lot hanging around a bunch of pale faces. Look at you, Chris, you can't dance, you can't jump. You have horrible fashion sense."
Something I remember my sister saying once, in my own words: "When the Constitution was written, they didn't have automatic assault rifles or whatever. They had muskets. Things would we better if everyone just had muskets."
Same girl as below, to me again: "Do you have any siblings? You just look like an only child. Or maybe an oldest child. And I still think you look like a vampire. Like the vampire child, I can't remember her name, but her when she grows up." I don't know what her deal is.
Roommate's friend :"Where are the potes at?" Roommate: "What?" Roommate's friend:"Sorry, I'm abreeving. Where are the potatoes?"
Roommate to me: "Are you going to wear sweats to go out in?"
Random girl walking by: "I'm just going to go segment some mouse brains."
Posted online for a class where we were required to write an introduction to the rest of the class: "The thing unique about myself would be that my bioclock is very accurate."
Political Analysts on TV: "It's not so much his Romney-ness that's his problem, but his Mitt-ness." Is this only funny to me? Is it a thing? I just don't get it.
People outside my window yelling: "MARCO!" "YOLO!"
People behind me at a devotional: Girl: "Oh, you're going to go bond with your guy friends today, right?" Guy: "It's our Guys Afternoon In--G.A.I. We call it 'gay'"
One of my professors' FB statuses (found during some FB researching): "One of those days when you just feel like moving to Australia..."
One man to another man in a suit walking on campus: "Hey, you look nice today." I wish that happened more often.
One guy whispering to another at the back of my class about my teacher who looks like Vizzini on The Princess Bride: "His laugh is like an explosion."
One grown man to another sitting at a table I past: "but Dumbledore didn't resist."
One Friend of Mine To Another: "You told me you only hang out with me so I can be your pillow, and then you plumped me!"
One Army Guy to another Army Guy: "I do look good in stretchy pants, actually."
Old couple sitting on the bleachers by me: Man: "Let's head home. I need all the beauty sleep I can get." Woman: "Oh, don't I know it."
Og Mandino: "Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”
My two-year old niece to me: "You're a big girl. But a little big girl."
My three year old niece, after putting on a Utes cheerleader outfit and being told "Give us a cheer": "Utah State Hey Aggies All The Way. Go Aggies Go Aggies Hey Hey Hey!" She calls it her Aggies cheerleader outfit. Oh well, I tried.
My ten-year-old sister: "Curious George killed the cat."
My social welfare textbook, chapter talking about how to reduce crime: "Avoid carrying large sums of money. If forced to do so, take along a second wallet containing three or four bills and some expired credit cards, which you can give a thief if confronted."
My social systems professor: "The founding fathers had no idea that the internet would be invented when they wrote the Constitution."
My sister, while handing me a note my dad left on the counter (talking about our Ford Focus) that says, 'Shae, the focus starts now': "He doesn't mean the car, Shae. He means in your head."
My roommate to me: "You look very 'hobo chick' today." I'm going to pretend she meant "boho chic."