Today, all I've wanted to do is stay in bed. Not in a depressed way, I just have had no way of making my brain or body want to do anything. Is it okay to have days like this? I still haven't figured out the answer to this yet.

I Respect That

So I don't really advocate for tattoos. But I don't really advocate against them, I guess. They fascinate me for some reason; what different people choose to permanently mark their bodies with is interesting to me. So, like a bad college student, I was just checking Facebook real fast, and saw a picture that one of my friends had liked—I have no idea who the picture is of and likely never will, since the friend is from California. Anyway, it was just a picture of this kid showing off his new ink, which was the phrase "Father, into your hands I commend my Spirit" which is from the Bible (obviously, I guess). He captioned it that he got it to signify that he has given total control of his life to God from this point forward, and that he is no longer afraid of the future.
While I personally would have maybe written the verse on a sticky note rather than permanently on the inside of my arm, I still felt some respect for the guy, whose life I know nothing about, for making this kind of spiritual commitment.
The world would be such a better place if everyone made such commitments, regardless of the specifics of their beliefs. From here on out I want to be totally committed to what I believe in.

That Moment When You Finally Make Yourself Realize The Truth

Here are some words from my soul put to music. I hope you enjoy. Whether or not they have been enjoyable to live is up for debate. I'm going to make myself focus on the good side of this situation, though, and just let all the negatives come out through this song. Thank you, music.

You Don't Have to Read This One

     I know that title was too enticing, but you can stop reading as soon as you realize that it's just me emotionally disclosing.
     I, too, have been purposefully isolated lately. I don't know if I can really explain why I just want to be alone, but I'm sure going to give it a go.
     The thing is I'm feeling like being reminiscent, like I really want to go to places that I've felt happy in in the past, and I want to hang out with best friends I used to have, and I think that realizing a lot of this catching up won't happen is why I haven't been wanting to make new friends; I don't really feel like trying to explain things in my past to new people, so I'm not interested in them :/ I just want people to understand me without me having to explain ha. Also, I'm really sick of people talking just to talk (had to throw that in there).
     Some things are just too short, some of these being love and friendship, which are actually the most important things in the world. Hmmm. Well, I guess not all loves and friendships are too short... maybe we have to have a lot of people come and go quickly out of our lives so we can realize who we want, or more importantly, need, around forever. Yeah, I like that.
     So, I guess, in the process of this post, I have talked about my emo problems and also given myself a solution. Thanks for coming along for the ride! 

Thoughts

So for the last little while I've been feeling kind of weird. Not bad weird, but like peaceful and calm and a little melancholy. And probably the opposite of how I should be feeling with finals breathing down my neck. But it is good, I guess. It has also been paired with this feeling of having no desire to have anything to do with most people, save for a select few. I feel like I could literally sit outside all day today in the beautiful weather and scenery by myself, and be content. Maybe with one more person. But I have been feeling like being a loner with no desire to make small talk or interact with people. Hopefully it hasn't been so bad that I've been rude, but that's just how I've been feeling.

I also will probably not make much of an effort to make effective segues between these thoughts, so just be prepared.

 I've decided that I've defined my nirvana. I may be misusing the word nirvana, but I don't really feel like looking up the exact definition. Anyway, here it is: eating the best food imaginable very, very slowly in a very, very beautiful place with people that I really, really want to be with. I can't really think of much that is better. I mean, I love to do activities and go to events and all of that sort of thing, but I kind of feel like this is the epitome of where I want to end up when I've lived my life to the fullest.

I have the sinking feeling, however, that the calm I'm feeling is the calm before the storm. I mean, I guess you could really think this about anytime in your life, and, as I heard a girl say the other day, "You can't live in a what-if world." But I guess when things are going well, I can't help but think about how everything could turn upside down. I'm feeling good about classes, I have great friends, I have a job lined up, my family is great, everything seems fine. But then what happens when finals go horribly and my scholarship is in jeopardy, my friends leave physically or, even worse, friendships just fall apart, my job and commuting turn out to be a disaster and take away my summer...I'm pretty solid about my family staying ok, but that too could change. Maybe it's better for me to have things going badly so I have things to work on. No, I love when things are going great. Maybe it's analogous to what happens when I get a compliment. Not all compliments, and not from all people, but a lot of times they have the opposite effect of what they were intended for. Usually this happens when someone says something that contradicts one of my many physical insecurities so that immediately I think that they have noticed the negative things as well and are trying to make me feel better about it which makes me feel worse because they've noticed and it's just a vicious cycle. I should probably really get some studying done, and quit rambling on about nothing. Because everything is great. Isn't it?

Edit: Shortly after writing this, I felt very, very lonely. Maybe because my roommate is moving out tomorrow and it's hitting that sooner than I can comprehend I may indeed be more alone than I realize. I guess this was a quick case of being careful what I wish for. Everybody I know here at school, I'm ready to not be a loner, let's all hang out while we can.

I Need This Accent in My Life

So glad I got to see these guys live. I just love the rawness of it all. Also rawness may not be an actual word.

Troy Barnes Is My Hero

Wesmania

A term I just invented, but one that has hit me hard. Maybe I will rub some of it off onto you this summer. I just really feel like he gets me.

It's like they know me

"Do you like to cuddle? Do you also like semi-suggestive t-shirts?
Great. This is the shirt for you."

Sizes: S-5XL

$24.99

http://dpcted.com/cuddle

Makin It Work

So, if I can make seven pairs of underwear last for fourteen days, I won't have to do laundry until I go home for the summer.
Wish me luck.
But if you don't want to wish me luck, I completely understand.
(Also, I think it should be known that I actually considered this for a good three minutes.)

Random Things Of The Day

I didn't really want this to become solely a place for sharing things I've found on the internet, not that I don't like when we do that, but I just felt I should preface this post with that since it is my second cute animal picture post in two days. Whatevs. I'll throw in this list I love to condense things a bit.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/animals-who-are-extremely-disappointed-in-you

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/other-things-there-will-be-in-addition-to-blood

enjoy. or don't. I did, but that may not always be an entirely accurate indicator

This song. Yeah.

"You wanna fight for this love, but honey you cannot wrestle a dove."

The Shins have it all figured out.

Edit: Ok. This was just supposed to be a lighthearted post of random things found on the internet. However I've just got the worst feeling that I can't seem to shake and this seemed like as good a place as any to try and shake it.

Why. Why must everything be fine, and then my brain consumes itself with insecurities and negativity? There are a lot of things I can't change or control and yet my mind insists on tearing me down. I just need to focus on other things, but it's a bit easier to drown out and ignore things that are going on around me than it is for things inside of me. I guess life just can't always be sunshine and roses.

Now I'm going to study.

Blah.

Stolen From A Facebook Cover Picture

People Like Us

Here's another for the list

Don't Mind Me, Just Givin Myself A Pep Talk

If I have learned one thing in college, it would have to be that some failure is inevitable, and even though it is scary to fail, failing is sometimes the only way to learn and grow.

What I decided today is that I just need to straight up accept that I will often fail, but it will NOT be for fear or lack of trying. I figure that I will be able to live with the choices and mistakes that I make as long as I faced them with as much courage as I (and those who can help supply me said courage) possibly can, and tried my very best. Because there is literally nothing else I can do.

One of the select few mottos I live by, as of fairly recently, is that "I won't let _______ disrupt, corrupt, or interrupt me." So I guess the fill-in-the-blank word of the day is failure. I will tell myself that I am stronger than one negative aspect of my character. And hopefully the sum of the positive parts of my character, combined with my available life-saving resources, can be stronger than the sum of the negative.

Fight on, fighter.

Edit: Can I just say that choirs of men singing songs like this just really make life better? Love you, MoTab.

To Feed Our Love of Dinosaurs

Read some of the pages here.

Yes, One Of Those Posts Again. Sorry.

It's just that this song is perfect.

"We Regret to Inform You..."

You can only hear those words so many times before you start to doubt your self-worth. And then people try to make it better by telling you that you did your best, and all you want to say is: "Yeah, that's the problem; obviously, my best sucks." *sigh*
     But I do think that I have a way to get myself out of this funk. First of all, I can honestly say that I'm trying to realize that "opportunity" is one of those words we think we understand, when our human brains actually aren't experienced enough yet to know what opportunity really is. Maybe, opportunity really happens when we think we've lost an opportunity and that allows for something else to happen (you know, "when things fall apart so other things can come together"). I am realizing that maybe not getting everything I think I want is just one of those things that I need to learn how to deal with, one of those things that I think are an "interruption to my real life" when really, they are a crucial part of my experience here. Second of all (I kind of rambled, so maybe you forgot there was a "first of all," but it's there, a while back), you know what I realized? I realized that every day, I pray that I will be able to get through the day. Literally, I ask, "Please, let me make it through this day/week/semester/part of my life." Why get through when you can THRIVE through? Today, I asked, "Please help me to thrive through this day." Yes, I plan on conquering this day, and hopefully every day after that. I already feel like a super hero. Now I am going to go, because I have diem to carpe.

I Have Possibly found A New Super Hero

and his name is Snackman.

Please follow the link (it may or may not change your life).

Words To Live By

I know that there is probably an unlimited number of really good quotes out there from various people, and many of them seem life changing when heard at just the right time. I don't know if this will have the same effect on you that it did on me (or if you've heard it before, and so this will be really anticlimactic) but here is something I always want to remember:

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last is dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

-Alfred D'Souza

Chills. I have occasionally wondered what the world would be like if we all learned completely from each others mistakes, to the point that they only needed to be made by one person, and then everyone following them would know not to do that. Of course, this makes no sense for a multitude of reasons, but it is really mind-boggling to think about how many times throughout the history of people each mistake has been made. But that is just human nature. I can't even tell you how many times I've really learned a lesson for myself, then realized that someone had been telling me this thing over and over, and it just hadn't quite sunk in. Which leads to another good thought I got from this song by The Kinks, a sorely under-appreciated band (an opinion I may have because I personally am just beginning to appreciate them):

"This time tomorrow, what will we know?"

We really learn and change and grow so much every single day. I now realize that I need to make it a conscious goal to learn and change and grow as much as I can every single day.

I Try Not To Like These

But I can't help it with this one. I feel it describes me perfectly.

(Maybe every girl feels this way. I don't care.)

This Keeps Happening To Me

I walked outside and there were birds singing and flowers and green everywhere and a bagpiper was playing in the distance and it was so bright and sunny and the air was warm and soft and it was all so beautiful I felt like crying and I am still a little high off it and I just love the warm weather so much and I have no desire to do my homework and I just want to lay in the grass forever and always be happy like I feel right now and I'm scared for when feeling like this will end but I can't think about that and I am craving a hot, salty beach and now I have to do my homework.

That is what my brain is saying.

It Will Work Out

     The other day, I handed my brother my iPod nano and told him to pick a song. He kept pushing the wrong buttons and getting confused, so I asked what was wrong. He said, "I don't know how to use these kinds of iPods; I have an iPod touch!" Later that same day, my sister said, "You're almost twenty. You're old." This is what I think John Mayer meant by a quarter-life crisis.
     Okay actually, I don't feel like I'm out freaking out quite yet. I'm just realizing that I'm an adult, and I'm going to have to start acting like one some time soon... I think the reason I'm not freaking out is that I happened to read a bookmark last night that said something you and I always say, and it was written by a man who experienced a few years in life himself:
       “Things work out. It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out, don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers.”

--Gordon B. Hinckley

Love This

You may have already seen this (a few people posted it on facebook) but it just gives me a lot of hope.

Why Do I Love This Song?

Forget the pixie cut. I'm growing me hair out till I can do it like this.

My Type

Okay, actually, I don't think I have a type as far as looks go. But here are some qualities that I think might count as a "type". (Mostly, I'm picturing myself looking at this with my future husband and laughing a lot.)

Someone who can give me tips on how to not be awkward.

Someone whose muse I could be.

Someone who can kiss me upside down. Actually, thinking about it, I don't really want that. But I do love Spiderman, and feel I owe him a shout out.

"Here, let me take care of all the financial stuff."

Someone who can take care of the kids--with style!

 

Someone who makes me laugh. A LOT.

Too much to ask for?

So I did manage to pick only pictures of good-looking or masked gentlemen. And I feel shallow for that. So, in an attempt at back-pedaling, I would like to state that I will find a man attractive if he makes me laugh, if he connects with me spiritually and intellectually, if he knows how to talk to me, and if he makes me want to be a better Shae. And the only way I can find a guy like that is if I become a girl that a guy like that would be attracted to. Set myself up for that one...

Everyone is Influential

I had to read this article for psychology (Basic Social Influence Is Underestimated by Robert B. Cialdini). It talks about how we are all influenced by other people. The whole thing is really interesting (especially if you think you're pretty independent in your decision-making, like myself) but if you could only read one part, I would suggest the section named "When They Are Expert on a Topic, People Frequently Ignore or Severely Underestimate the Extent to Which Others’ Input Can Improve Their Decisions." Or, I will just put it on here for you...

'I came across a remarkable interview a couple of years ago on the 50th anniversary of the publication of perhaps the most important scientific discovery of our time—the (double helix) structure of DNA, as revealed in the Nobel Prize-winning work of James Watson and Francis Crick. The interview, with Watson (An Interview With James Watson, 2003), was designed to inquire into those aspects of the duo’s efforts that had led them to solve the problem ahead of an array of highly accomplished rival investigators (including two-time Nobel Prize winner Linus Pauling). At first, Watson ticked off a set of contributory factors that, although crucial, did not surprise me: He and Crick had identified the problem as the most important one to attack; they were passionate about it, devoting themselves single-mindedly to the task; and, they were willing to try approaches that came from outside their areas of familiarity. But then he described a reason for their success that stunned me, maintaining that he and Crick had cracked the elusive code of DNA because they were not the most intelligent of the scientific competitors pursuing the answer. According to Watson, the smartest of the lot was Rosalind Franklin, a brilliant British scientist who was working in Paris at the time. “Rosalind was so intelligent,” observed Watson, “that she rarely sought advice. If you’re the brightest person in the room, you’re in trouble.” For me, that comment was both a revelation and a confirmation, throwing new light on a familiar error I had observed in the actions of manywell intentioned leaders. Far too often, a leader (who, by virtue of greater experience or wisdom or skill, is the ablest problem-solver in a particular arena) fails to ask for input from associates because he or she is, after all, the ablest problem-solver there. The consequences are suboptimal solutions, choices, and directions that could have been avoided via consultation. It is easy to see how Rosalind Franklin could have made a similar mistake: As the most intellectually gifted worker in the area, why should she want to seek the advice of the less gifted?'

Yes, I do need to work on this in some parts of my life. 

from my brother

I'm not always one that is super into what you might call "sentimental" religious sayings, but just because it's Sunday, and on Sunday you tell the truth, I'll share one thought that I had recently.

Ok, I'm sorry for being an excessively musical blogger. The other day I was just listening to a song, Month of May by Arcade Fire from their Suburbs album (which is an awesome album, btw, I love its theme) and I was paying attention to the lyrics, some of which go like this:

"Now the kids are all standing with their arms folded tight

Kids are all standing with their arms folded tight...

So young, so young

So much pain for someone so young

Well, I know it's heavy, I know it ain't light

But how you gonna lift it with your arms folded tight?"

I may not know entirely what he was meaning by that, and I still love the song, but I couldn't help but think "Well, that's really the only way I can lift something heavy." All I can do is pray my guts out and work my hardest at life, because that is one of the only things in life I know for certain will work things out. I wouldn't say that I've really had "so much pain for someone so young," but I do know that my life is being kept afloat by the grace of God and no matter what else is going on, that's what I need to hold on to.

Conference on.