Loving and Losing

Today I was at a restaurant eating breakfast when I overheard an old couple talking. The lady said, "No, I'm pretty sure [name I can't remember] is still alive." I thought, "I really don't want to get old and have everyone around me leaving me." Upon further thought, I realized that people don't have to get old to leave you; people don't even have to die to leave you. I hope that I remember this every day so that I don't ever regret the way I interact with the people I really care about.

I Always Wanted A Song With My Name In It...

http://www.obtampons.com/apology

Sorry For The Self-Disclosure

I just need to try and write out some stuff I can't easily say.
I'm trying to figure out what kind of person I am. Not completely, that would probably be impossible. But I think some character evaluation is in order.

I watched a few episodes of that Napoleon Dynamite cartoon, and there was one that featured a girl with strong but very fickle romantic attachments to many of the characters. At one point she seems to realize what kind of person she it, and she says quietly to herself, "Why am I so crazy?"
That probably makes more sense if you have seen it, but sometimes I think about myself and remember that cartoon girl, and ask myself the same question.

Why am I so crazy?

I've never been in what may be called a "facebook official relationship" but as relationship is sort of a broader word than that, I can say that I have been in relationships with people (I think technically you have a relationship with everyone that you know, but the word does have connotations that I wanted to get past.) Anyway, I am just getting afraid of what kind of person I will be in an "official relationship." I'm afraid that I will be the worst. I can see myself as the clingy, anxious, needy person that can turn a potentially healthy relationship bad when it doesn't need to be, just because I can't handle my own insecurities. Even now, with certain people (or maybe person) whom I have spent a lot of time with both on dates and just hanging out, I get anxious and worried about where our relationship is at and how the other person feels about me if there isn't positive affirmation all the time. That is why I hate and love texting and facebook; the possibility is there for contact all of the time and so when there isn't I worry and then I hate that I worry. Its almost like I have a quota that needs to be filled for me to be relaxed and happy with everything which is not at all healthy. And there is a possibility that it is a little worse because we haven't really defined the relationship so I don't know really how things should be or could be. And the further possibility, even more probable, that even if the relationship was "defined" I would still have no idea about anything.
The saddest thing is that the people (or person) who I feel I need to be accepted by and I guess cared about the most are actually so, so good to me and I'm not even sure what they are getting out of this relationship because it can't be as much as I am. He (I'm going to stop pretending that I'm not just talking about one person) has never been anything but cute and charming and some adjective that means someone who takes care of you to me, and given me more than enough good times and words that I should just be content. I should. But sometimes I can't just keep this in my memory and I am needy again until the next time we talk or do something. Which scares me. I can't just be like this forever. And again, maybe when I have a more serious relationship and eventually (potentially) get married the commitment will help me to trust myself and the other person more.
And really, there has been a lot more of me just being happy than of me being anxious, especially when we saw each other almost every day. Again, I have had a more than enough, a lucky amount, of reasons to be happy, more than I probably gave.
And I guess my days are pretty limited with this situation anyway, so I may as well just keep everything on a high note.
I just hope that in the future I can be not so crazy.

Did you make this?

I feel like it's something you would say (probably not to me, if that was unclear at all).

This Song Has Been Stuck In My Head So Long I Can't Breathe

Good thing I'm so into it.

The Amazing Spiderman

I am a nerd.

I'm a nerd, and I don't care who knows it. 

Maybe reading this article has given me a little more reason to hold my head high. I'm just so excited for July 3rd :') and I think they picked the perfect man for the job 

(you might agree after seeing the following video, if you haven't already) 

And, despite how cheesy and nerdy it sounds, I do think there's something bigger going on here. Stories (no matter how crazy or impossible they might seem), they inspire us. I believe that fiction wouldn't be possible without non-fiction, or at the very least, fiction would not be at all interesting without non-fiction. If there wasn't some way that we could connect with these fantastical characters, we wouldn't be drawn to them with the same intensity that we are. We all need at least one make-believe person that we can see eye-to-eye with; I think this makes living in real life seem a little more hopeful sometimes. 

I really do.

First day, worst day

Today was the first day of my time of the month, and while driving to my sister's soccer game, we passed the finish line of a local 5K. I saw the high school mascot and a bunch of little girls cheering on the runners, and then watched them all start sprinting to the end. And that was when I started crying. 

So awksies.

Plenty Of Reasons To Like America

New Celebrity Crush

There once was a man named Matisyahu, a Hasidic Jewish musician

Then he shaved his beard and I would like to date him.

(also I could find literally no pictures of this new look except on this website. I perhaps didn't spend that much time looking. Oh well.)

Why am I so strange?

     Do you have any people in your life that, no matter how hard you try to resist it, you have a desire to get their approval? I'm not talking about family or good friends or anything, because that would actually be normal. There have been/are a few people in my life who I really am not close with and who I really don't want to be close with, but I just love it when they compliment me. Thinking about it, it's usually the type of person who speaks their mind and who doesn't seem impress-able, and is often a little intimidating. And then I find myself too frequently thinking (to my own disgust), "What would [name] think of what I'm doing/saying right now?" 

     I think I should stop before I sound too creepy. I guess I just felt that the internet was the best place to reveal my weirdness. Ergh.

Important Stuff You Learn In College

Kind of a throwback title. And actually, I think this entire blog is composed of important stuff I've learned in college. But anyway, I thought it might be a good idea for me to make a list. It may or may not turn out to be fairly long. Here it goes.

• Some things I can't change, so it's best to just accept them. Really. It frees up so much time and physical and emotional energy if I learn to just go with things. Even though that's cussing hard sometimes.
• If I have the choice between doing something and not doing something, usually I should choose the doing something. Within reason, of course. But I remember better and with more fondness the spontaneous ice skating trips with friends than the nights of going to bed early.
• Ice cream is better than no ice cream.
• Exercise in any form is about the best thing for me, especially when it takes place with friends.
• Adopting an attitude of just deciding to love everyone does wonders for my mood. It makes me so happy when I can just look at a person and say, "They are a great person. Everyone is just so great."
• Music is really, really important to me, and somehow helps me define what's going on in my life.
• As much as I like to fly solo sometimes, I think its good to make as many friends as possible wherever I go, because you can really never tell what it will lead to.
• Life is not actually a movie. Things don't always just happen in a way that would sell movie tickets. I have to figure out what is going on when there is a whole range of possibilities, from actually nothing to potentially quite a bit. And it sucks, sometimes.
• I know that I have a lot of people looking out for me and usually things work out as hard I try to make a mess of things.
• If I want something, I've gotta go out and take it. Sometimes things just happen but more often than not it's only because I make them happen (but don't think for a second I make the mistake of believing I'm totally in control here).
• Trying new things, like skiing or country dancing or telling people my feelings (even if they may not be the actual people I should be telling), is scary, but very liberating. Sometimes, it doesn't really go that well, but I laugh and pretend it did, and so I feel that no one can judge me for failing if I really went for it.
• I will probably never be able to completely control my thoughts. Bummer.
• A wise person who probably doesn't remember telling me that "no one really likes it when the other person plays it cool" essentially changed everything about this semester. This person also gave me countless hours of advice and listening time and shes basically been my rock in general and I have no idea what person I'd be right now without her.
• I am one hundred percent sure that I picked the right school, and I absolutely love it. I love being a student in this city.
• Most of the time, everything is really fine. It's just me that goes a little crazy.
• There are a lot of people in this world.
• There are a lot a lot (saying it twice is as effective as finding a better phrase) of opportunities that I've missed, probably a ton that I don't even know about. But there is no use regretting them, the only thing to do is resolve to not let any more (or as many more) pass by.
• You can kill a lot of time if you really put you mind to it.
• I sometimes steal lines from songs/movies/TV shows and use them as my own, and sometimes it works. Such as the previous bullet point (Thanks Ben Harper).
• I want to forever be a learner. There is so much to learn, and everything learned shapes me in some way. I feel like (and I think this may be something I've heard somewhere) I am kind of just the sum total of all the people I've known and the experiences I've had, which means I want to keep experiencing as much as I can.
• It's a wonderful life.

There is so much more that I've learned, I could probably go on forever, but I'll just stop here.

Hm.

Now why is it that when, in reality, everything is going exactly as it should be, I feel the most empty inside? I should not logically be feeling this way.
Possibility: There are just too many emotions going on all at once and I'm shutting down.
That may be it.