Sometimes you need a little reality check.
So, getting to my work seems a little sketch. It's not, but its just that I work in the basement, and I get there by going into this delivery truck loading dock tunnel thing (when does one of those not look sketch?) on the backside of the building. And I see an average of of two people a day on weekends, but hear an average of three doors shut without seeing who shut them. It's just a little creepy, a fact that my coworkers have voiced to me in sympathy, so it's not just me being crazy. Sometimes I think "I could get murdered right now and no one would know." But I haven't yet, so I should be good to go.
Anyway, sometimes when you are basically by yourself for six hours your sense of how to act around people kind of slips a little. Like today, I was tired when I got done with work and I decided taking a nap in my car, which I conveniently parked in the loading dock, was a good idea. "There won't be anyone there" I thought. So I go through the three sets of locked doors it takes to get outside and am very taken aback when there is a man standing there smoking. I have two immediate thoughts: "Maybe I will get murdered by this man" (He was just a security guard. I really don't think that everyone wants to murder me. I guess it's just a thought that crosses my mind sometimes.) and "What do I look like right now?" 
Since I thought that I was alone and just going to take a nap, the answer was "Kind of a mess." My hair was all frizzy and the kind of messy that comes from changing clothes several times without paying any attention to it, my sandals were sort of on but not really since I thought I was just going to take them off again, it was hot and so I didn't put on my jacket, so I was wearing a "strapless" dress on which one of the little clear plastic straps had broken when I got into my car and it's questionable how well I was doing keeping it up on its own. He just smiled and nodded, he probably didn't even think anything, but his presence  made me look at myself and think "Maybe I should be a little more conscious of how I present myself from here on out." 
I didn't take the nap.


In other news, the abandonment that comes from being a nineteen-year-old Mormon girl has finally come to completion today. Until you leave. But then I'll be 20. Anyways.
The song that has become my national anthem (because apparently I'm a nation now?) has just been extended, in a slightly different way, but still the line:

"The more I see I understand

But sometimes, I still need you."

I feel that line a lot. And I think I will a lot more in the near future. But that is life.

I understand. Sometimes I just need people back.

In other other news: Olympics! Love them. Especially when this guy is around:

Total babe. I could look at him for hours.

I also don't know why some of the words are white. And I will not make any effort to try and fix it.

I hate getting punished for not doing things I wasn't even planning on doing.

Like not getting pregnant.

I think you probably feel my pain.

First Four Lines: Seriously. All the Time. Drives Me Nuts.

Ok, this video is a little strange. And there could be any number of "chemicals" they are talking about. But it really is just like my moods to "hurt me when I'm feeling good."

Wait--what?

That Moment When...

...all it takes is an actual moment for weeks of negative nagging feelings to be washed away in the revelation of a fact that fixes everything, and you're left with only the thoughts "Oh. Ha. Silly me."
It's a good moment.

Inspiration. Or should I say Fuel?

Today, I was thinking. It was about this girl who told me that music is her life. She's not the only person I've heard say that (even you have probably told me the same thing). Then I was like, "Well, I like music too. I just wouldn't consider it something I've devoted my life to." If you think about it, you would probably never ask someone what kind of music they liked and get the answer, "I don't like music." It just won't happen. Is it possible that music (disregarding the type of music) is a thing, maybe the only thing, that every person that has and does and will ever exist can say they like? I feel like that's a big thing, especially in a world where wars happen, or where people take each other's lives over money, or where friends can become enemies and family members can turn their backs on each other. Music is a big deal. I probably wouldn't be rambling about this if I hadn't found this blog post about a band we like while scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed. If you look to the right, there are 2 quotes that the blogger has underneath her info. If you don't feel like looking to the right, here they are for you to read:

"I love the relationship that anyone has with music: because there's something in us that is beyond the reach of words, something that eludes and defies our best attempts to spit it out. It's the best part of us, probably, the richest and strangest part..." 

—Nick Hornby, Songbook

"Music has always been a matter of energy to me, a question of Fuel. Sentimental people call it Inspiration, but what they really mean is Fuel."

—Hunter S. Thompson

I guess I just feel really good that there's something that can't be argued about in the world. I also feel better that I don't have to be someone who knows all the statistics of every album sold by all their favorite bands to be considered a true fan. And maybe, I also feel better because I don't feel like a I have to hide the fact that I've listened to Justin Bieber's new album. All the way through. At least three times. And I liked it. (Actually, maybe this is the only place I will feel safe admitting that. Sue me.)

P.S. I come bearing gifts.There are some very nice tracks available for download at the end of the previously mentioned blog post, so you should check them out. I'm already in love after thirty seconds of the first one.

I Wish I Was A Dancer

A tiny beautiful dancer that had a strong man to dance with. I'm in love with this dance, and my family doesn't really get it. All my older sister had to say about it was that it was very sexual. I thought it was beautiful and it made me want to cry. Just the music, and the people, and the passion, and the costumes, and the choreography (a.k.a. everything) work together so well. I don't usually watch this show, but I saw this dance and it really stood out to me. It starts at about 1:23, if you don't want to watch them practicing.

Because I Wasn't Sure if You Believed Me

Cute is what they aim for.

Unloading

So by now you may have noticed that this is basically my journal, since writing in a journal is one of my weaknesses. If you haven't noticed, that's ok, because journals are mostly meant for the person writing them anyway.  I like this version because not only do I get posts and feedback from you as well, I feel like I include things I never would in a regular journal, although maybe I also don't include things I would in a regular journal....

Irrelevant rambling. Back to the point.

So this post is just going to be me dumping some thoughts out that are swimming around my head. Be prepared for randomess, very little clarity, and more rambling.

I was reading the newspaper today, and I turned to the wedding announcements. I like to read them sometimes. This one girl who went to a high school around here just married an attractive man from Sweden. In the Copenhagen, Denmark temple. A man that she met when she was on a three-month trip with friends to Sweden. They will go on a honeymoon to Malta for two weeks and then live in Sweden. I may just be filling in a lot of blanks here, but it sounds to me that she kind of has a cussing exciting life. It sounds like a movie. I can't comprehend people like that, people like Grace Kelly, who was all like "Oh, I'll just be over here being one of the most beautiful people to ever live, and a beloved movie star, and then I'll just marry the Prince of Monaco and become a princess. NBD." People that do great and amazing things, especially when they do them at young ages, just fascinate me, especially on days when my greatest concern is what time I need to wake up in the morning. I've always felt I was a late bloomer, but I'm just not sure I'll ever bloom quite enough to be up with the greats that have lived (also if this is unclear, I am extending the title of "greats" well past the girl who married the foreigner. She just got me thinking). Before I start having too much of a pity party for myself, though, I need to remember something I realized, which is that wishing and hoping can only get you so far (which turns out to not be very far at all; only as far as getting the thought in your mind, really.) and if I really want something I need to work and pray till it happens for me. Because I will give myself this: although my accomplishments have been small and maybe not even as many as they could have been, I think that I have been able to go out and get things I've wanted. And it is my philosophy that if the thing you want can't or won't happen yet, then you sure as cuss better live like you're going to get it, or in the way you need to in order to get it, because not being ready for it when the opportunity actually comes would be kind of the worst. Maybe I'll never be Grace Kelly, but I may as well be the best me that I can possibly be.

I can hardly post without some kind of musical reference, so here that goes:

1. Of Monsters and Men are pretty great, I think we agree on that. You know when you have those moments when you connect with a song, like you are really listening to it for the first time even if you've heard it before? That is me and "Love Love Love" right now. Maybe it's super cheesy and cliche to feel like you connect with and relate to a song like that, but I don't really care. I feel it.

2. "To Be Alone With You" by Sufjan Stevens. When I first heard it, I assumed it was about lovers. After listening to more words, I thought, "uh, gay lovers?" Finally I listened to all the words, and I realized "Oh, its about Jesus." I think. That's one thing I love about Sufjan; he's not like a Christian singer, but he is a Christian and a singer and sometimes he sings about what he feels about his spirituality, the good and the bad. A very notable example is "Casimir Pulaski Day," a song I find more meaning in each time I listen to it.

3. I just discovered this album called Wedding Day by Nate Lithgow on Spotify as I was typing this, and it's really chill. Unlike an actual wedding day, I would guess. Oh well.

I think one problem I have in life is that I go into some things afraid that they will end badly. I can remember times when I have specifically thought "Well this is not going to end well." And guess what? They usually do. And while I might fall harder when I am disappointed and things actually do not end well, it just may be worth it to shake off this mindset for when things do work out and I can just experience the joy without my reservations bringing me down. There is this book I like, Their Eyes Were Watching God, and while there are many things that make the book great, the thing that made me joyful—not just happy, or glad, but actually joyful—when I was reading it was that the things I thought were going to end badly did not. There were other things that ended very, very badly, it's true, but I wasn't disappointed in who I thought would disappoint me. Maybe you are thinking "gee, a book where things go well, that sounds like great literature" but I really can't explain it very well. Maybe read it and we can discuss it, it's a short one. Or maybe you've read it. Anyway, I'm just going to try and shake off my old mottos of "the lower your expectations the less disappointment" and "hope for the best but expect the worst" and try to live more...more. Combined with pure, Christlike love towards all mankind. Now that I've got my goals written down, maybe I can remember and achieve them. 

Thank you for sticking with this till the end, if you are here.

Please, self, please please please remember this

"The Final Judgement is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgement of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become."

—Dallin H. Oaks, "The Challenge to Become" Ensign, November 2000

A new word I learned

Mamihlapinatapai