Twofer

Here is a post that should be two posts but it is now one because my computer died while I was writing the first part and the second part...we'll get to that.

Do you have those lessons that you just have to learn over and over again for no apparent reason? I'm not sure if this means that I'm not really learning or what, but today something great just slapped me in the face and made me realize (once again) a truth that I struggle with.

And maybe most traits are like that, maybe there isn't anything that you just one day have down pat and you can say, "Well, I nailed that one, I should be good to go in that department for forever-ish." Which would be really, really nice. But alas.

Maybe you were never this kind of person, but for as long as I have been a functioning human being with a memory I have lived my life by comparing myself to others, and as much as I've wanted to be myself completely, I always find myself slipping back to my old negative ways. In elementary school I based my worth on how I compared to the most athletic boys and girls in my grade, which sucked for me because even though I played basically all the sports possible for me I'm just not really that great at any of them. I've had times, in junior high especially, when all I could think about was how great my life would be if I had the same clothes and hair and makeup that "everyone else" had, because that's what made their lives great. Although I've mostly grown out of these exact scenarios, the root of the problem still manages to haunt me in many other ways.

I don't know if you've experienced this version of the lesson I've learned over and over, but it would usually come powerfully like this: While in the midst of self-pity and longing to be like others, I would find out that the person I was trying to "live up to" had the very trait, or sense of style, or whatever else the case may be that I was forsaking in pursuit of being like them, Or people like them. I would find out that cool kids, the popular and talented and attractive people were just like me, I could have been just like them had I not abandoned myself in pursuit of what I thought was better. I may have not explained that well in such general terms, maybe the point could be best illustrated by a specific example: When I was in late junior high/early high school I was exploring different types of music, and there was/is one kid I know that has excellent taste in music; I'm honored when I find out that I like something he does too (one of my biggest confidence boosters I can remember in my life was when we randomly happened to be sitting by each other for the midnight premier of the sixth Harry Potter movie, and the preview for Where the Wild Things Are came on, which featured the song "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire, and I asked him if he liked Arcade Fire and he got really excited (he does like them). It sounds stupid. But he was one year older and cooler than me.) Anyway, I was trying to get this girl to remember a time when we were really little and used to call each other Simon and Garfunkel (who I had grown up listening to and still do to this day, I love those guys) but at the time I thought they might not be a very "cool" band so I tried to cover by saying something like "My parents like to listen to them, they have some of their cds around my house." Upon hearing the words Simon and Garfunkel, cool music boy begins to sing and air drum to "The Only Living Boy in New York", one of my favorite of their songs. Immediately I felt dumb for trying to be cool; if I had only been myself, I could have been on his level.

That story was pretty equally as dumb as the one I told above. But I think if you have experienced the same thing, then at least you'll get it.

So, this happened to me again today, out of nowhere. It had to do with something that's been bothering  me about myself for a while now, kind of a point of low self-esteem that bugs the back of my mind a lot. But then randomly I found out through a friend that someone I admire greatly and look at as basically an angel was in the exact same position as me at my age, and he is still the person I admire. I can live my life how I want without having to validate myself to...myself. Or anyone else. And I know I've written about this before. I don't know why it's so hard for me. But I guess it's a good thing to get these kinds of reminders to keep myself on track. Because while perfection is the overall eternal goal, for now, staying on track is a slightly more manageable task.

Part 2:

This was not originally meant to be a blog post. It arose from me not being able to sleep (which, granted, for me means I didn't fall asleep within ten minutes of getting into bed) and so for some reason I decided to see how long of a text my phone would allow me to send. It turns out the answer is 2295 characters which is 15 pages on my phone. And so I typed out a text to myself (which for some reason I actually did text to myself) and it being 1:30-ish in the morning the topic on my mind was people I was missing and why I missed them. Specifically a person whom I met about a year ago. So I'm going to post what I wrote, uncut and commercial free at exactly 2295 characters, even though it's a little late-night-sleep-writing-weird at times, and even though I sound like a silly schoolgirl. Which, truth be told, I may well be.

I know in my brain a million reasons why this is dumb and I shouldn't even say it, but I'd also like to say that every word of it is true and in spite of the reasons I should give it up, it's how I really felt and how I hope I get to feel again soon, so I'm putting it out into the universe:
(that intro might build this up a little. it's not that great haha.)



"It's nice to have someone around who tells you nice things and is strong and warm and smells nice.

It's nice to have someone you want to be alone with to watch movies and cuddle and eat ice cream and get into tickle fights with during the boring parts.

It's nice to have someone to go on adventures with and try new things because you know that no matter what you'll be laughing the entire time and somehow everything around you is more interesting and exciting when you're with them and you don't run out of things to say. And when you do run out of things to say, it's fine because you just want to be with them, and just being close is enough sometimes.

It's nice to have someone that you like getting dressed up for, because both getting dressed up and being with them makes you feel special, even when you know you can have just as much fun in a t-shirt and sweats and covered in colored chalk dust.

It's nice to be able to talk about the hard things to talk about with someone who makes you feel safe, even though it's still hard.

It's nice to have someone who is the reason you are constantly smiling, because you can't get them out of your head, as much as that makes you crazy.

It's nice to see the truth in someone that you'd never know otherwise, their weaknesses and fears and vulnerabilities that make you love them even more, partly because they help you love yourself.

It's nice to feel like you matter to someone, like you're a part of their life, and even though its dangerous to think about, it's nice to see a glimmer of what-if maybe someday you could be their world, and they could be yours.

It's nice to be awkward together, to embrace and celebrate the things that make great memories but could have just been fearfully and ashamedly dodged to keep up some sort of front that never made anyone truly happy.

It's nice to be easy to please, and as a result to be pleased often.

It's nice to have butterflies so you can't eat, especially when a hungry boy is there to tag-team your meals so you don't have to worry.

It's nice to be wished good night by the one person you wish was there with you, even though that means you're alone.

It's nice to be remembered, and it's the nicest thing to be remembered when the odds were not it my favor.

It's nice to be together."

-Me