The Show Must Go On

As a follow up to yesterday's post:
I went home for a Halloween party today. I thought I'd be a princess, in my dress from senior cotillion.

It did not fit.

But life is good.

Growing Up. And Out.

And I mean that in a lot of different ways.

There comes a time when you have to let go of things you think you love, for the greater good.

It's a hard thing to do.

Maybe it's something that made you feel a little like a celebrity that you may or may not idolize.

Maybe it's something you bought and want to get your money's worth out of.

Maybe it's something that a boy, whom you really wanted to please, told you he liked, on more than one occasion.

Maybe the thing I'm talking about is a dress, a lot like this one:

Ok, so it's not that big of a deal. I just really liked it. And I knew it was short (I think mine is actually shorter than Zooey's) but I thought with tights I was getting away with it. Until today.

At church, I felt totally self-conscious, thinking everyone was looking at it and measuring other people's hemlines to try and justify mine. The final straw came when I tried wearing it out of work with no tights and I realized that if my torso bent in any way (such as it when getting in my car...) then I would just be laying it all out there for the world to see. 

I don't know if it was always like this, and I've just been thinking about upcoming dress standards changes so I'm more aware. Or maybe I've gained my Sophomore However-Much-Weight. Or maybe I have gotten taller since this summer? The point is, I feel a little torn about this dress. There are so many little things that make me want to keep wearing it. And one good-enough reason not to.

Life lesson coming your way!

Ok, so the dress only cost me like 20 bucks, and I've worn it at least 20 buck's worth of times. And despite what you or my sisters others may think, I'll really be ok if I never magically turn into a Deschanel. But the other reason I have that are causing this conflict could be a little symbolic of my life right now.

If all goes according to plan, I'll be dressing a bit differently fairly soon. And in all honesty I'm not so sure I'm ready for the reason that will happen just yet. There's the simple fact that it's a change, and I don't think any change comes without some nervousness and anxiety, but I also feel unprepared and just straight-up not ready at this moment. I guess it's a good thing I have a few moments between now and it happening.

I maybe won't be 19 forever. And maybe sometime I will have to come to terms with the fact that I'm going to get older and sometimes my pants will stop fitting and I cannot let that break me down because trying to look like a high-schooler forever will be a steep uphill losing battle. But while I am 19, I'm not gonna worry about it. I'll try and just cross that bridge when I come to it.

I'm in a weird guy place right now. Well, it's probably not that weird, but still. It's like I really want a guy in my life (despite how I try to appear to the rest of the world I'm a pretty hopeless romantic. I'm slowly letting myself accept it.), but I do nothing that would aid me in getting one. And then I just kind of hold onto the remnants of what may or may not have been in the past, or one or two scenarios out of a bazillion that could happen in the future. And I don't know how healthy that is. Or how long I can actually keep it up. I guess I'm just kind of stagnant, but even though I know that, I'm not willing to move in any direction. Except on a mission, which will move me away from all of that. And that may be just the right thing for me right now, to help get my mind right. Also this isn't like ruling my life or anything, so don't worry. I'm pretty ok in this department for the most part.

I guess there are just going to be sacrifices made in these next few months, by me and by a lot of people I know. It starts today with my imitation Zooey dress, and I will guess that it'll get a cuss of a lot harder. Now is the time when I need to decide for an unquestionable fact what is important and what I really want, because it will be extremely hard to see that for the first time if I have to sort through the things of the natural man to find them.

On an unrelated note, here is a clip from Meet the Press that I thoroughly enjoyed and agreed with for the most part. I watched it three times already. If you've got a second, it's interesting. And I wish more people would have this view on the candidates rather than the constant bashing that is making me tired.

http://www.bandnamemaker.com/

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

~ C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I really need to have a C.S. Lewis Christmas Break reading marathon, I think.

Missions are for Learners

Entry 3
Just realized I have a fear of riding bikes in busy areas...
Also this picture makes me laugh a lot. It's weird and sad but also hilarious; there is so much going on right now.

Missions are for Learners

*I decided to do this in separate posts, I hope that is okay with everyone you.

Entry 2

   Well, everyone I've talked/listened to about missions warned me that this would come, but I have to admit that I kind of thought I'd already passed this point and gotten through it because of my strong resolve to go on a mission a long time ago.

   I started my papers just a little while ago, and I was given advice by multiple people on how to proceed (one being my dad, who I am starting to suspect might know everything about everything). They all said something to the effect of this: "You need to study it out and pray hard to know exactly what you need to do. Maybe your mission can wait awhile. Maybe you need to leave as soon as possible. And maybe, you won't even end up going on a mission; maybe the Lord has other plans for you." So, I completely ignored the last suggestion and started contemplating on when I needed to leave. I have to admit that I didn't do a whole lot of deep searching, pondering, and praying now that I look back on it. I guess I kind of thought it would just come to me as soon as I asked. 

   Well, I didn't really get anything. As time went on with no clear answer, I got more worried. I suddenly found myself evaluating that third option: What if I wasn't even on the right track at all? What if I needed to stay home and make sure I didn't miss out on anything here? What if all this time it was just me wanting myself to go on a mission, when it just wasn't in the cards for me? I didn't think I was mixing up my priorities; I just wanted to do what I was supposed to do.  

   Then I tried to make it better by reading through my old journals and scripture annotations. 

TOTALLY backfired. 

I found letters from my parents/friends/old church leaders talking about how good of a missionary I would be someday. I read past experiences about being so excited for the day I could leave for my mission. All this stuff did was make me more upset! "Great, now I'll let all these people down if I don't go," is what I thought. I was so lost and confused, on the edge of devastation. For what seemed like years, but was actually probably more like 2 or 3 days, I seriously did not know if I was going to go on a mission. I was in a bad place. 

   While I was probably at the most hopeless state of this episode, a memory of this last summer came to me. I remembered how one of our close friends was nearing his time to go on a mission, and how suddenly, he wasn't sure about it anymore. I remember knowing how awesome he would be and how awesome it would be for him, and praying that he'd figure this out too. I knew there was a force trying to sway him away from doing what he needed to do, because his mission would change countless lives for forever, and this force couldn't stand the thought of that. 

   And then, I went and read a letter from this same friend, a little bit older now, currently on his mission and telling me of the joy he gets when he gives others the messages that the Gospel has to offer. All of the memories of why I have always wanted to go started coming back. I was instantly in a brighter mood. I can't believe that the adversary had been that tricky; I hadn't even realized what was going on until after the fact. I had even been warned about it, and he still got me doubting. 

   I remember a talk I heard once--well, I remember it enough to paraphrase a quote from it. The woman who spoke said something like this, "Things will come up in your life that will try to make you doubt things that you know are true. If the Spirit has testified to you of the truthfulness of something, allow that to carry you through these trying times. Don't allow room for doubt and push forward."

   I know it won't be smooth-sailing from here on out, but I think being aware of what's going on is a big step. Feel free to remind me of this as needed.

#MyNewObsession

Spoken word poetry might become my new favorite thing, after listening to this.

This Is So, So Tempting..

My Life is a Gift, My Life Has a Plan

There was some really great counsel given in this last General Conference. One of my favorite talks was given by President Uchtdorf, and this quote in particular has stood out to me:

"We often wear our busyness as a badge of honor as though being busy by itself was an accomplishment or sign of a superior life. Is it?" 
He goes on to compare what the Savior did instead. "I see the compassionate and caring Son of God purposefully living each day" and not necessarily just fill our days to be so busy that we have no time with those who mean the most to us." -President Uchtdorf

This describes me perfectly, I think in part because I lived for so long not doing all of the things that I could have, whether out of fear or doubt of my abilities or self-worth, or for whatever reason. Up until now, my busyness level has been how I determine how I’m doing at life—the more time I fill up with stuff, the better I can feel at the end of the day. And to an extent I still believe that this is true. Historically I have been the happiest at my truly busiest times, and the things I try to fill my time with are usually legitimately good things. But I now realize that being busy for busy’s sake is not really an achievement. And this talk helped me to realize that this is probably the reason I have, as of late, been drifting in and out of a bit of a rut.

Compared to last year, I think I have a lot more going on—I’m working, which also means I have more money to go and do things, and I have more people to go and do them with, I have harder classes (although to be honest I don’t think I can say that any semester I’ve had has been a total cakewalk, and this is usually mainly because of my friend chemistry), I’m trying to devote more time to things like volunteering and going to the temple (neither of which have taken up as much time as I thought they would, however), and you know, just life. And while I started out this semester super strong and pumped, the inevitable slump is starting to sink in, and I actually feel like I’m not doing enough. I pass the time I have, but I’m just not sure if it’s being used to its best potential. And while pre-conference I may have just thought that this means I need to find some more stuff to fill my time with, now I’m not so sure that would be enough either.

I had a talk with my sister about a month ago that amounted to kind of the same thing, about her own life, that I didn’t really think of in the context of my own life until conference. Then these two questions came up: Why am I doing what I’m doing, and what do I really want from life?

Well, I’m going to school so I can have a career and make money to be able to live comfortably, I guess. Hooray. Don’t get me wrong, I still think I have chosen the right career path, and can’t think of anything except maybe be a rock star that I would rather do as a career, but at this point I don’t think I want that career to define my life. With some people, I feel like that is the case. Scientist who win Nobel Prizes, Barack Obama, I feel like with these people their career defines them a little bit more than what I’m expecting to happen with me. It’s cheesy, but I kind of feel like the guy in that truck commercial (for some reason I always liked it, now I see why, I guess) where the neighbor asks him what he does (supposedly looking for a career title), and he struggles to come up with an answer while looking back on memories he’s had. This sounds incredibly selfish of me, but it’s the truth so I’m going to say it—when I thought about the question “what do I really want from life?” the one word I thought of was happiness. I just want to be happy. All I really want from life, I think I’ve mentioned before, can be summed up with the phrase “truth and happiness,” but thinking about what I’ve seen of the world in my limited perspective, being happy is the ultimate achievement. And I feel so, so guilty because there are an almost unlimited number of problems in the world, and people suffering a vast scale of horrors, and yet my greatest desire is not to help them, but to have the best life for myself. And I do know that service is a sure way to happiness. There are a ton of great people out there working their best to make a difference, some devoting their entire lives to serving others, and I deeply respect that. But as much as I’ve maybe tried to fight it, I’m realizing more and more that having a happy, loving family of my own takes precedence in my mind to helping out others. The redemption I find in this is that while there is no way possible for me to save everyone, there are still things I can do while searching for my own personal happiness to help out my fellow men. I hope to God that I don’t forget that, and that I try and make service a big priority in my life.

And maybe, just maybe, the greatest service I’ll be able to do will be to do to serve my own family and give them the best and happiest life possible.

 I have always been educationally-minded, that has been my top focus. As it should have been, considering all the factors, such as age. But I guess time passing and getting ever older, and maybe also a more spiritual focus in my life, has shifted the balance to focusing on a future family. When planning out my life, I could always make a list of the things that would happen, and picture them in my mind, but “having a family” was vaguely represented by only that simple phrase and no further elaboration. Now, when I really thought about what I wanted from life and the happiness problem, something of a slideshow of moments passed through my mind, not unlike my truck commercial friend (it really was kind of Hollywood, to be honest).  I thought of walks out in the beauty of nature, of cooking delicious meals with someone special, of tiny hands and tiny shoes and tiny people running around a playground, of holidays and evenings spent with well-loved people and warmth and the presence of the Spirit and feeling hope for the future and I realized that yes, I may be selfish, but this is what I want, and as much as I’ve tried to reason out of it and fight it I have admitted for the first time (with this blog as my witness) that the Gospel is right, as it has the tendency to be, and that a forever family is absolutely everything, and nothing, no career or prestige or worldly possession will take precedence for me over that. I hope I don’t just sound like a whiny husband-seeker, and this does not mean that I will abandon my education, because I still find that to be important and one of my top priorities. But somehow it just hit me why the family is the center of this Gospel. And I just want everyone in the world to realize this. It’s almost laughable how it has taken me this long to get with this program, but now I am just thinking about what the world would be like if everyone had the opportunity to come from a strong, loving family. I don’t think we can even imagine the difference this would make.

And all of this has led me to an even stronger conviction that I should go on a mission. Everything going on with me is just converging on this idea; my increased spirituality, a desire for the blessings of the gospel and a future family which would definitely benefit from my serving a mission, the empty feeling like I’m not doing enough in my life, a desire to serve others, a less narrow focus on education as the most important thing. Granted, most of the reasons are for my own benefit—I won’t lie and say I don’t really want the blessings that will come, or the spiritual, mental,  even social, etc.,  knowledge and skills that I could gain. I think it is a great way to go out into the world and grow in all ways. And probably the thing I need to work on the most is the ability to teach others the doctrines of gospel, which I feel incredibly inadequate right now. And which is kind of the point of a mission, so it is no small thing. But I am feeling confident in this direction at this point, so all I can do is prepare myself as much as I can before I fully commit.

This was incredibly long. But incredibly needed (for me). You know those times when you don’t really know what’s in your heart unless you get them out by writing or prayer or talking with someone? This was one of those times. And that rut that I was in at the start? I started writing this with a strong feeling of anxiety and dissatisfaction, but that has been replaced with a calm and peace that comes only from the Gospel. I found myself singing this Primary song, which I had to Google to find all the words to, and turns out it is basically my new life theme song. Funny how that works. Here they are now, for your enjoyment:

"My life is a gift; my life has a plan. My life has a purpose; in heav'n it began. My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth And seek for God's light to direct me from birth. I will follow God's plan for me, Holding fast to his word and his love. I will work, and I will pray; I will always walk in his way. Then I will be happy on earth And in my home above."

May we be able to keep this always in our hearts.

Random Thoughts That Come From Homework Avoidance

I don't know if it's just because Halloween is coming, but I have been having scary-movie dreams with plots to rival many low-budget slasher films. I'm calling you out, Hollywood; I can write a better movie when I'm asleep than some of the crap that gets turned out. Oh well.

Since everyone loves hearing other people describe their dreams, I'll give you a short synopsis of two.

In the first I was invited to act in a horror movie. When I got to the set, and started working on the movie, however, I soon found out that this was no horror film being made, but that whatever creepy and bloody (the details are a bit vague now) events were going on in the "movie" were actually real. Like people were dying. And no one would believe me that it was real and not just Hollywood special effects. And for some reason my parents wouldn't let me quit the job. So I was like trapped in a real-life horror movie that everyone else thought was just a horror movie in production, and the bad guys were getting away with basically whatever they wanted. How meta, right?

And then last night I dreamed about a serial killer. He was really famous and all over the news (I am very sad to report that Luke from Modern Family was one of the victims), so my dad for some reason joined a group of boy scouts (Moonrise Kingdom?) to go search for him in some desert where he was thought to be. Leaving me at home with my dog. We can all see where this is going...
I came home one day to find a picture of the serial killer holding a picture of me (again, pretty meta of my dreams, I thought) on my table. And then next to it there is like a bikini and all this jewelry and a wig and such.  Yada yada yada, of course the killer is in my shower, and I woke up just when he was making me put on all the stuff from the table or else he would slit my throat (maybe Inception was right and I just refused so he killed me and that's why I woke up. I guess we'll never know).

I kind of want to start a dream diary, like write all that I can remember right when I wake up. Except I always push snooze until I can barely get ready in time for the bus. So that's probably not going to happen.

Also, if you have a few minutes, this memoir-like letter was really touching to me. Maybe you'll appreciate it too.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-open-letter-to-the-mix-tape-made-for-me-by-my-college-boyfriend-now-deceased

Luckily, I Don't Feel Helpless

But for some reason I was listening to this song today and it made me think of the whole "going on a mission" situation I'm in.
I'm 99.9% sure that's not what it is about, and maybe that doesn't even make any sense with the song as a whole; maybe it's just that it's on my mind.

At any rate, it's a good song by this neo-Simon and Garfunkel band that I like.

Also, have you heard of a website called The Hunt? You put pictures of things you want on it and then people help you find where you can get them. I already have them working on getting me a Jurassic Park sweatshirt.

Missions Are For Learners

Here are some disclaimers:
I think this will be a post-in-progress for a long period of time, and will therefore end up being kind of novelish in length.
I will mostly be writing this for the intent of remembering (since this is more editable and add-onable than an old school journal), but if I put anything helpful to you, score!

A Short Background

   I have always been blessed to have a father who believes in the life-changing abilities of a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I don't have many solid memories from my childhood, but I always remember him talking about the possibility of a mission for me. 

   Missionary work has made it possible for me to be where I am at at spiritually today. My father was inspired to go on a mission, which completely changed the way his life has turned out (in fact, the reason he started really looking into the church was because the girl he wanted to marry told him she wanted to in the temple. He ended up going on a mission instead of proposing... so that didn't work out ha). When he got back from his mission, his scholarship at the University of Utah didn't wait for him. While trying to figure out what to do, his adviser noticed he was an electrical engineer major and told him Utah State University was a better place for that anyway, so he packed up and enrolled at USU within a couple of days. And that is the place he met my mother, another electrical engineering student who had transferred from Idaho State. She was from a Catholic family and had been told from a young age to stay away from Mormons. After some bad experiences with some Mormons (hey, the religion is perfect, not the people), she actually considered herself anti-Mormon for a time. Which made for some pretty intense talks about religion with her peers in good old Logan, Utah ha. My dad and mom became pretty close, but he would usually just sit out on the bible bashes. Then, one night, he had had enough of their talking. So he took my mom off alone to talk, and quietly asked her if she believed that God had talked to prophets in the past. She said something to the effect  of, "Well, duh." Then he asked why God wouldn't still talk to prophets today. And that was the start to her conversion. Now, it was a long process (about 6 years if I remember the story correctly). She didn't get baptized when my dad first asked her to. It wasn't until she was graduated and living in an apartment and two elders happened to knock on her door that she realized she had truth in her hands and she wanted to have it forever. Then came marriage, and me :) and those other kids.

   I said that my dad always encouraged me to serve a mission, and that definitely has helped me to be where I'm at today. However, I've definitely come to the conclusion to go based on my own experiences. I think the most important one that I can share with you would be one that happened during freshman year of college. I was reading the scriptures one night, and came across Doctrine and Covenant chapter 4. The entire chapter is kind of the theme song for missionaries, but it was verse 3 that hit me in a way that I can't remember happening ever before. "Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work." Yeah, wow. I had had these desires my whole life, but I hadn't really ever said, "I am going to go on a mission." It was always, "Well, I'll probably go; we'll see what's going on when I get there." But this verse, it spoke to me, straight to my heart, and what it said was, "You have been blessed to want to go.  Now go." Plain and simple. And that was when a mission became part of the life plan. Since then, I've had many more experiences that have solidified that this is where I'm supposed to be headed, but that was the first big one I can remember.
   Now, I already posted the video of the announcement for the age change in missionary availability. Looking back on that (yes, I know it's only been a week ha) I can see how perfect it is. At first, I was super pumped. Then, when everyone and their dog started talking about going, I was like, "Well, I wanted to first!" Ha ha so, so silly. And now I'm at a place where I've realized that, okay, not everyone is jumping on the band wagon, and that it's going to be a great, great thing, and that the world is about to change in a beautiful way. I'm also SO glad that I don't have to decided if I'm going or not. I do not envy anyone who is trying to figure that out right now.
   That announcement also kicked me into gear. I realized that even though I thought I was so prepared, and even if I don't end up leaving until I was planning on anyway, I've got a lot of work to do. I've come to realize that I will have bad days on my mission. All the things that make me mad/sad now will happen on my mission: I'll have gross roommates. I'll be sworn at. I won't be dating. I'll be put in awkward situations. I'll be far away from my family and friends, etc. And getting that mission call is not going to magically change my personality into one that is a perky, cheery, or happy-go-lucky under all the pressure in the world. Physically, I've got to get myself into shape (will power, I'm coming for you). And, even though I usually don't like to think about the value of the dollar in comparison to the Lord's work, there's really no avoiding it; I've got to be able to finance this journey in some way (yes, my parents will happily pay for it, but with 4 siblings, and one thinking about going on a mission at the same time as me now, I really feel the need to take some responsibility on this one). I will let you know, though, that I've felt an internal change. My patience has impressed me lately. I've received a lot of personal revelation within the last week, even about things that don't really seem that important. My thoughts have been somewhat elevated (and I cannot come even close to taking all the credit for this). I will be as ready as I should be when the time comes, and that is an extremely comforting thought.
    Wow, I totally labeled this as a short background. We're nearing the end, I promise. I just want to say that I'm excited to see what's about to come in my future, and that I think I'm getting closer to being able to "find joy in the journey," instead of waiting for some seemingly far-off event to change my life. This is what my heart feels right now---> :] sometimes :? or :/ but mostly :]

Entry 1:

   So yesterday I had my first meeting with my bishop. Surprisingly, it wasn't like a super spiritual event in comparison to other mission-related things that have happened to me. I did feel very peaceful about it though, even during his warnings about what I was getting into. As I started filling out the papers online (sidenote: if you ever use the website, be warned that it takes quite a while to upload and save forms you fill out), there was a question about the nationalities of my ancestors. I called home to ask what I should put. My parents told me English, Scandinavian, German, and Russian. I said, "Well, isn't there some Native American up in there?" and my dad said, "No, don't put that! Don't you want to go out of the States?" I have to admit, I freaked out a little. I hope I don't jinx myself by saying this, but I REALLY want to go somewhere foreign. I'm really trying to prepare myself to be thrilled with whatever I get, because I know it'll be the exact place I need to go, kind of like a pregnant mom does when she really wants to get a son (that was actually a dumb analogy since I've never had that happen, but you get it.) Anyways, I laughed, and my dad laughed, and we decided to just be truthful. But you know what, when I submitted that answer, it said my response was too long! So I just put English and Scandinavian, which I think most white people put anyway. Now the only spot without an answer is my date of availability. I've been getting a lot of advice about that, and I have to admit, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. But, I've been assured that I'll know when I'm supposed to go when I need to know it. 

   So, that's where I'm at right now.  Like I said, this is going to be added on A LOT by the end of my missionary work (and I probably will make a lot of typos...). So stay tuned! But only if you want to.

Weirdest Moment of...

....at least the week. Month, maybe.

So I go into work this morning, and since no one else is there all the lights are off in the break room. I can still see that there is something different though, and when I turn on the light, all I can do is stand there and stare,frozen, for at least ten seconds. The normally, well, normal, plain little room has been transformed into what I'm assuming is the spirit of Halloween. It's a little hard to tell because the only "official" Halloween decoration was a small skeleton hanging in the doorway. The rest was basically things found around the workplace arranged into admittedly creative...people...and things....and people like things. A lot of the walls and ceilings were covered by garbage bags (as well as drawers/cupboards) and...well, I can't really explain it. It was so simple and somehow made me want to laugh and cry nervously. I'll just show you some of the highlights.
I don't know if my crappy phone camera can do this justice. We'll see.

Classic mop hair.

My personal favorite. Notice the knife in the head. And the face that will haunt you.

I'm A Big Kid Now

Kind of. It's a work in progress.

I took a little journey up north on Thursday, as you know, partly with the intent to visit my sisters. I am ashamed to admit that I was hoping that this visit would be a kind of a group visit because, although I had spent time with the sister next up in age from me, I've spent very little time one-on-one with my oldest sister (maybe if she used to babysit me or something) and I was (stupidly) really worried it was going to be super awkward, mainly because I am awkward and generally not very good at conversation. As it turned out I went to lunch with my next oldest sister and her husband, which was fun and good to see them, and then we had to part ways so I could see the oldest one. I was prepared for a "stop in and say hi" kind of visit.

Of course, there was the presence of the World's Cutest (and smartest) Children that kept me there. I love those guys more than just about anything in the world. But something else happened that made me really happy—I felt like my sister and I were good friends. We talked and laughed and had a really good time (at least I did). I wonder what exactly I was worried about, I have known her my entire life. I guess I've just never been able to completely shake the "little sister" feeling in my family. I am still usually just a spectator in any big or serious conversations on religion or politics or history or whatever; I have historically loved just being able to be present for stuff like that. But now I am seeing that I am growing up and becoming a real person with actual ideas and beliefs. I'm at least as far along in life as my sisters have all been at my age (with the exception of the oldest who was about two months from being engaged at this point) and I feel there is no reason I have to keep holding myself down in the position of the little sister who is just there and is kind of awkward when talking to others and has no real life experience or knowledge or anything to contribute really except the occasional (maybe) funny comment. Maybe it's time for me to be a big kid, just like them. I think I would very much like that.

I feel the same way but even more so with my extended family. I love them all—maybe most of us wouldn't be friends at all if we weren't related, but I like to be with them and I'm glad to have them. However, same story—I have 16 aunts and uncles and (at my best count) 57 living cousins (including their spouses) and not one of them have I have hung out with or anything outside of family gatherings. I doubt most of them know very much about me at all besides the obligatory small talk you make at parties (which is my own fault). Granted, a lot of them live far, far away and there is a sizable age difference (my oldest cousin has children closer to my age than I am with him) but it still makes me a little sad. There is one girl cousin who graduated the same year as us that lived about fifteen minutes away from my parents that I am especially remorseful about not knowing better. It's a good thing that it's usually not to late for that sort of thing.
I just need to put on my big girl pants and be a person instead of another kid that my parents bring to family functions. There may be some supposed perks to being a wallflower, but this is not one of them.
Hopefully we'll have a really, really long time to get to know one another (like maybe eternity?)
Until then, I'm going to try and be myself completely. Maybe that will turn out to be someone worth knowing.

Please read this: http://itjustgetsstranger.blogspot.com/2011/12/snuggie-texts.html
and then this: http://itjustgetsstranger.blogspot.com/2011/12/snuggie-texts-part-ii.html

“Do not fear failure. Do not let negative experiences—and there are always plenty—get in your way. In your life, many things—especially the biggest heartbreaks—will only makes sense as you look back, not as you are experiencing them. Many of what seem at the time to be your biggest setbacks will end up leading to your biggest opportunities, and in ways you can’t predict. So don’t let that voice of doubt—the obnoxious roommate in your head—have the last word. As Montaigne said, “There were many terrible things in my life, but most of them never happened.”” 
-Arianna Huffington

Spot The Mistake!

BTW, We're Watching This ASAP

Since I don't think you've seen it. And it just might be the greatest movie ever made.
For World Music we had to write a paper on the effects of music during a time of conflict. Although this wasn't what I wrote on, I remembered the power of this scene and how even though I haven't even ever been to France I kind of want to cry with French pride whenever I see it. It may not have the same effect when viewed out of context, but really it's WWII, Nazi's, Anti-Nazi's, you know the drill, I think you'll get it.

Vive La France!

Called To Serve

I can't watch this without crying happy tears. A lot. I still can't believe the words that come out of his mouth. Everything that has happened to me and feelings I have felt make so much sense to me now. It's like I've skipped a year of my life (which is weird). There's so much going through my mind (you can probably tell from the un-flowiness of this post). But the overriding thought is that the world is ready for the biggest rush of missionary work that it has yet seen. And that I am going to be a part of it. It feels so right that I don't actually know if I've felt this peaceful before. I'm scared, and  I'm nervous, and at the same time, I know it's going to be amazing. It's possible that I won't be going until I was planning on it anyway, I still have a lot of deep thought and prayer to give (as I'm sure people all over the world do), but it's all just so real. I know that I was put on the earth at the precise time I was so that I could be at this point today. If I were meant to go on a mission at another time, I would have been born at another time. I can just feel that this is something bigger than any of us realize, and that the world is changing, starting from the minute this announcement was made. Ha ha I think I cried the entire first session. I've already found myself worrying about things like money and (as hard as it might be to believe) my car that I just bought and what would happen to it while I'm gone. I was told that the closer I got to leaving, the harder it would be to leave. But, for some reason, the Lord has blessed me with a desire since I was a little girl (I now realize how not normal that is) to go on a mission, not because I'm more fit than anybody else to preach His gospel, but because things will happen to me that need to happen while I'm on my mission. It's true, all of it: He hears and answers the prayers of His children, we are the disciples He has withheld for the fullness of times, and we have a duty to share the same message that gives our lives hope and meaning to the rest of His children (whether that be through full-time missionary service or only by the way we live our lives). I am ready to get ready to go; It's finally here :')

"Oh What A Fool I Was To Think That I Could Get By On A Smile And A Wink"

This is a painfully beautifully sad song by the Local Natives, a band I love because of all the emotion I feel in their songs, especially in these live recordings from Daytrotter. I tried to listen to the album version and it like started to ruin the song for me because it just lacks the raw emotion of this one. Apparently this song is about the true story of a failed long distance relationship. M

Maybe it will mean nothing to you. It hasn't always spoken to me like this, but sometimes songs just hit you.

Maybe in Another Timeline...

I have this...alternate "dream" version of myself. I guess it isn't really alternate because it would be kind of a future me, but it's not really a person that I'm working towards or anything. It's just like a person that I think it would be cool to be. I think everyone probably has the same kind of ideas. Maybe they don't and I'm just really weird. Whatever.

Alternate me is already graduated (although I adore being a college student; I'm definitely not daydreaming myself out of school), and in an exciting and fulfilling career working at a blood bank. The exciting and fulfilling job pays very well and has excellent hours, and she loves it.

She lives in a small house/large apartment in the Avenues with a massive canine companion that looks something like this for a while:

until it turns into this:

and named something Roman like Titus or Brutus. Or maybe like a pair of Huskies with crazy eyes. Something.

The house looks like the inside of an Anthropologie that has been additionally decorated by this lady. It is always bright and clean and lovely.

She eats a lot of bagels and bakery goods and actually just amazing food in general. She never gains weight, however, except in her chest sometimes, and always has time for working out and doing super fun outdoorsy activities in like the mountains and stuff. Her muscles just keep getting more and more toned, and she is always in the best of health. In the midst of this exciting life she always manages to get a full and fulfilling night's sleep.

The temple is basically in her backyard and she is constantly strengthening and expanding her spiritual knowledge and testimony. She spends a lot of time at Red Butte Gardens, her other favorite place, where she can bask in the glory of nature and get in touch with her connection with herself and everything else in the world.

She is always going to concerts and movies and plays and reading life-changing books, and she finds amazing deals on super "her" clothes and shoes, when she's looking. She is intelligent, and witty, and charming, and the things she says and does are meaningful.

Her favorite tv shows never get cancelled or altered, and Titus/Brutus loves watching them with her on the couch after a day that was packed to bursting with goodness. She is able to perfectly balance hard work and adventure with relaxing downtime.

Her friends and family are there when she needs them, and they always have a good time. (that one is mostly true already.)

For some reason she reminds me an awful lot of the beautiful and sad doctor from House:

People just like her, and she just likes herself. She is happy. And I think that is really all I want from this life: I want truth and I want happiness. I think those two things pretty much sum up and encompass all that is really important to me. And even though I may not ever end up like dream me—heck, there is a chance that none of those things will happen—I think that I will still be able to find truth and happiness if I look hard enough. 

Here's to making life what we really, really want it to be.

The Big 20

Twenty is an important number. It can refer to:

• The product of four and five
• The product of two and ten
• The number of long years that have passed since Jean Valjean had missed finding another way to go, by his own admission, after being released from prison on parole in Les Miserables.
• The second half of the band Matchbox 20's name
• A fifth of the number of years in a century
• The number of dollars in a twenty-dollar bill
• The number of miles that Deer Tick is out from the place that the girl lives in this song.
• The third magic number in physics
• Four fewer than: the number of hours in a day, the number of seasons that The Simpsons has been running (making it the longest running animated series, sitcom, and scripted primetime television series in history), and the number of blackbirds baked into a pie when singing a song of sixpence
• The atomic number of Calcium
• The Year of the Consulship of Messala and Cotta, A.D.
• The number of phalanges that an average human being has
• The maximum number of horses allowed to run in the Kentucky Derby each year.
• The number that comes after 19 and before 21
• The number of seasons that Gunsmoke and the original Law and Order ran.
• The number of ways to both see the world and start a fight in the song You Only Live Once by The Strokes.
• The value, in cents, of two dimes
• The number of songs in a playlist consisting of only Bon Iver's self-titled album and Chutes Too Narrow by The Shins
• The number of questions you are allowed to ask in the game 20 Questions
• A score (as in four-score and seven years)
• The number of ounces in a Venti-sized coffee at Starbucks.
• The Roman Numeral XX, which in my opinion is the coolest of Roman Numerals
• One fewer than the number of guns used in a 21 gun salute
• The number of players on the court during any two basketball games.

But, in reality, most (if not all) of these are kind of dumb.

Today, October the Third in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Eleven, the most important meaning of the number twenty is that it is the number of years that you, Shae Lee Bennett, have been on the earth. So congratulations, and have a great day! And then another great twenty years! And another! And another. And maybe another. And maybe by this time humans will be immortal anyway!

Either way, happy birthday.

:)

Being Old

"Time keeps on slippin' (slippin', slippin'), into the future." 

--Seal (or as I like to call him, Othello)

     I've never understood those lyrics, but I feel like somehow they apply to the fact that even though we never get to redo time, all that time that passes into the past influences our future (it's actually kind of scary once you think about it. Like, every second that goes by, you'll never get that back. And seconds turn into minutes, days, years...we are living our lives here, people, and we only get one shot at it!). 

     So, I'm about to turn twenty. I have to say that I'm a little indifferent to it, besides that fact that saying "I'm twenty" will sound a whole lot cooler than "I'm nineteen." There was a time--to be honest, this 'time' was a couple days ago--where I thought, "Shae, what have you done with your two decades of life up to this point?" And I disappointingly came up with nada mucho. It was some what of a, in the words of John Mayer, quarter life crisis. But, luckily, my usual mellowness has returned as I've realized that even though there's not a whole lot the entire world has noticed about my twenty years here, there are a few people who might be able to say that I've helped them out some. I've even noticed positive changes in my own behavior that I hope mean I'm on my way to becoming the person I want to be. And this makes me just fine with getting older. In fact, earlier I saw two old women talking to each other while speed walking down the road and, to my surprise, I thought, "I can't wait for that." So, here's my attempt at optimism, and it feels so good. 

20 years old: let's do this thang. 

(P.S. I hope that this doesn't come off as some kind of tribute to myself. Because that would be really weird of me to do that.)